Newcomer's sad story

[Gabs]

Wow - long post! But some thoughts:

Note, there is no other person. She has told me (and our counselor) that she has no intention to be with another person. Relationships are a downer for her now.

Nobody here believes there's another person. And there MAY not be. But if the shoe were on the other foot, would YOU tell HER there was another woman? What do her actions say - hiding phone? Secretive? Not sleeping the same? Etc.

I realize that others deny there is an affair, but I am confident about this. She has shown none of these signs. She had an affair 20+ years ago and promised she would never do it again. I do still trust her. She has told me her "heart is closed down" because of what has happened between us. She has had no opportunity to be going out with someone else.

But moving into a different house (whether it is me or her) My fear is that if she gets into another house, our finances will go down the drain, the kids will suffer more, and she will never get to see the changes I'm making.

The changes are for you. If she's interested, she will see them. Plus, you have kids, so you'll always be connected. Honestly, being apart may highlight them more. Can you see paint dry or grass grow? What if you leave for a month?

I would love to just leave for a month. But she seems set on moving forward as quickly as possible. Which means finding another house to buy. The only thing stopping her from getting out now is that if she found a house today, there would be a few months before closing. FYI, she has indicated a number of times that the main reason she wants to move forward quickly is because the longer we are in the same house, or still legally married, the longer I am going to be holding on and hoping that we get back together. All this motivation to move quickly seems to be about getting me to give up.

I just don't get it, after 30 years, can't we just slow down a bit? What is the rush? I understand she wants to split up with me but I don't see why we have to move towards separate houses and plow towards the Big D as soon as possible.

See my first comment above. But it could also be that she doesn't want to question things now. Plow ahead with no questions asked to "get away". Then look around later.

I think part of it is that she doesn't want to keep questioning her decision, but it is also that she think I'm going to hold on to hope that we get back together as long as we are still under one roof, still legally married, etc. I did say once that even if we divorce we could still remarry one day and she rolled her eyes.

I have been depressed, losing weight,... To be honest, the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is the hope that I will get her back.

Hope is good. Hope is GREAT.
But depression is not. Who wants to be married to someone like that. Time to pick up the PMA. FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT. It's time to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your wife.

that's a tough one. i'm convinced we are soul mates. I'm not ready to prove to myself that otherwise is true.

I know I'm supposed to detach. But I am having a hard time with that. I just love her. More than ever before. All the things that used to bug me about her before have disappeared. I can do the "Act as if" because it's acting, and down inside I am sad and wanting to be with her. But detaching means to actually let her go. To give up. No way. I just can't do that. this whole thing is supposed to be about getting her back, right? why do I have to detach? Can't I keep my love for her strong, even if it is hidden?

Where does it say that you have to stop loving her when you detach? That's not what it's sbout. It's about learning to love and prioritize YOU. She won't be ready to love you until you can love yourself again. And there is no way to do that until you detach yourself and your being from her, emotionally.

I don't get that one. Can't I love myself and still be focused on her and getting her back?

Wishing you the best, Gabs.

Thanks so much,
gabs