All I Wanna Do Is..Get A Little Closer #12

[Georgiabelle]

I'm baaaaack. Did you guys miss me? I spent the week with 2 senior citizens with mobility issues and 3 crazy kids and (drum roll....) I survived! Water parks, theme parks, cheesy gift shops, cashew milk ice cream, minivans, 80s music, tantrums in public-it was a reality show minus the fame and paycheck... Haters gonna hate:)

I've been catching up on some sitches and had some time to reflect last week. Last week was X Mr. GB's birthday. I sent him a simple "happy birthday." He was surprised I rode the extreme rides (well, I can't let D10 scream by herself) and I said, "it was fun." Actually, they don't even bother me much anymore. On the way back, I have to pass through college town where I went to school and X Mr. GB lives. He wanted to know if I wanted to see his apartment. Hails to the no! I did that 20 years ago. I didn't say that. I said "No thanks. Can we meet at x?" I just simply couldn't go visit my xh in a student housing complex.

I feel okay. I did get a little weepy one day last week. Particularly when I thought about H telling his coworkers when he started working how horrible I was and why was he with me? And I know I must let this go. However, I always wonder did he tell them I paid the bills and took care of everything while he played video games, napped, and worked sporadically? Nope. Probably not. And I just get upset thinking that he moved out when he finally got a job. GRRRRRR. This comes in waves. Will work through this.

And my former booty call (just love that classy term but that's what it was) was texting me last week. I think he wants an ego stroke and I guess that's what I provide via text. And I guess I like hearing someone thinks I am hot too. Doesn't matter.

I don't know. I feel like I have one foot on the crazy train and I'm not sure if they are serving cocktails. Even though I had a great week and had dinner with a friend last night, I just think "can I ever be in a R again?" I just don't know. I've said it before that I read sitches where people are "anxious" to "see what is out there" (I never feel this urge. Lots of guy friends-I know what is out there) and all of the qualities they want in their next R. I just cannot. go. there. And I realize it's because our friends and family want us to be happy, however, my friends and family keep saying "this is a great time for you" and "don't you want to meet someone new?" No, actually I don't even know if I care. I hope I don't sound jaded and like a downer. I just cannot imagine being in any kind of R. Zero. Nothing. And I have a very vivid imagination. Maybe I will become a crazy cat lady. Scratch that. I am crazy-just one cat.

And perhaps this preoccupation with a R stems from my deep seated self esteem issues? I used to think if I wasn't in a R then there was something wrong with me. Or that I wasn't desirable or "enough." I do think I need to be careful not to go to the other extreme.

Big kids at lake with their Grandparents and my baby starts to kindergarten next week. I cannot believe he is going to school. Girls weekend with my daughter, bf and her daughter this weekend.

Hugs to everyone:)