Jim0987 #14 - due for another upgrade soon

[Sotto]

Hi Jim - me again. Lucky for you I'm not working today - currently packing, but keeping an eye on the forum too. Here's my response to your post - hope this is useful

Morning All,

Thank you so much for posting. I'll admit I feel quite defensive about a bunch of things which i will explain in a sec but the fact that I recognise that is a a good thing.

It's okay to feel defensive - this stuff is TOUGH!!

Just continuing the Marathon Analogy, it just feels like I've hit the wall but i know i just got to keep going.

Good to realise this and tweak your approach, or as you say - just keep going....

So GAL first as I can see this is a concern but I want to reassure you that i'm not sat at home being a complete hermit. I'm just lacking a bit in some of the solid social connections that I could do with right now. Most of my friends are married and several are now expecting kids so they just don't have much availability. As for newer friends, well I'm working on that but things just take more planning at the moment. I can fill time and am, but its filling time.

It's good that you see this and are planning things. I think it takes time and perseverence for 'just filling time' to become 'truly fulfilling life.' But you are right - sitting home hermit-like won't help any of us, so this is an area to keep moving forward on.

So back to the interaction side of things, well the defensive feeling is because I feel like for the most part I have been the positive one with the kids but yesterday it got the better of me and she immediately jumped on me. On the various occasions XW has cried at handovers I've never jumped on her to tell her to be the grown up. But this is the same double standard that she applied when my dad didn't speak to her which made him awful, but when her mum blanked me that was fine.

I can understand your frustration. That said, your comments sound a little 'scorecard' and following the 'double standard' perspective is always going to be a cheeseless tunnel. She isn't going to see this until she sees it.

So I feel defensive here but I think that's because i know i need to be more positive (and usually am) and in that sense know that she and you all are right. I guess it just bothers me that the one time I'm not she feels she can lecture me on it.

I can see you thinking 'THE ONE TIME....EVERY OTHER TIME I...' Well, I think it's great that you manage this most times. Good for you. I would take what you can from this time and move forward. Not always trying to do things better and better, just as best you can.

And yes part of it is because she is doing so many of the things that when i suggested it i was being awful and now she is choosing them. And yes a HUGE part of it is that i can see how much she is enjoying her new life and i feel resentful of that. Being positive is hard when you don't feel positive.

I understand. One thing that everyone says if they and their S get to talk about how things were. Things were and are completely different to how you perceive them. Try and remember this every time you feel like Tiny Tim peeping in the window at someone else's Christmas feast.

I'm trying to let it go, I really am, and I know that actually I could have the same kind of life and I am enjoying the freedom for a number of things, just wish I had XW to share it with (even though this is contradictory as I only have the freedom because the kids arent here)

Have you had a look at my new signature quote? It resonated with me. You have suffered a loss. The loss of your M as it was. However, if we can work towards gratitude, rather than resentment and wishing for things we don't have, I think it carries us a long way forwards. Have you considered keeping a gratitude journal for a little while?

Equally I know that faking happy and pretending there was nothing wrong didn't serve me well for the last 5 years, and I don't want to teach my kids that's how you handle situations.

It's a big thing to learn - expressing how you feel, knowing that getting your needs met is important - and being authentic in your approach.

My handling of situations like that were always an issue for me, and evidentally still are. I just didn't want to agree with her and say something like 'yes you're right, its important to be positive' - I felt the need to justify and defend my position and stand up for myself despite the fact that she was right.

Yes, I agree your suggested response was a good one - justifying and defending is cheeseless tunnel territory IMHO...

The honest answer if i had given it would have been
'XW, I know you are right and that we need to be positive and it is something i've been trying to do. I certainly could have responded to D4 better just now but seeing you looking so good and happy with all of the signs of your new life, together with you taking the kids away is still very painful and upsetting for me as it reminds me just what i've lost. As a result I didnt handle things just now as well as I should have done. Please be assured that I will always reassure them that we both love them very much.'

It would have been nice if there was the slightest hint of understanding on her part, or recognition that at the previous 50 odd handovers (none of which last more than a couple of minutes) I have been very positive and usually deal with things in a 'I know, but i will see you in a couple of days and we are going to ..........' way

Yeah, I hear you. But if we get on to the 'how unfair it all is' avenue, it doesn't serve us well, you know? She may not offer you the slightest hint of understanding for a little while yet. But that doesn't affect the essence of who you are and what you are doing. In fact, that you carry on despite this shows great courage and fortitude I think.

Having said all that, of late I have let D4 see too much negativity from me and so need to rein that in (I said a couple of derogatory things about OM1 when she was talking about him) and I still haven't found a good answer to give when D4 says something about wanting mummy and daddy to be together.

This is important I think, and I would completely avoid commenting on OM1 to D4. The thing to remember about OM1 is - if it wasn't him it would have been someone else. He was just THERE at the time. If D says she wants M&D to be together, might you validate and reassure her that M&D may not be able to live together just now, but both love her very very much?

So in short I've not done brilliantly and must try harder, but as Dr Suess said 'unslumping oneself is not easily done'

I don't know about 'must try harder.' That sounds like putting pressure on yourself at a time when things are hard. But maybe just doing more of what works and tweaking where it doesn't. Learning from tougher interactions - all for the purpose of your own happiness and fulfilment in the longer term, and your own wellbeing and that of your kids just now.

Thank you again for your input.

You're welcome Jim. We are always here for you...You've given me a lot of support in recent months, and I truly appreciate it. I hope my thoughts are helpful & that your week improves.