Thank you so much for posting. I'll admit I feel quite defensive about a bunch of things which i will explain in a sec but the fact that I recognise that is a a good thing.
Just continuing the Marathon Analogy, it just feels like I've hit the wall but i know i just got to keep going.
So GAL first as I can see this is a concern but I want to reassure you that i'm not sat at home being a complete hermit. I'm just lacking a bit in some of the solid social connections that I could do with right now. Most of my friends are married and several are now expecting kids so they just don't have much availability. As for newer friends, well I'm working on that but things just take more planning at the moment. I can fill time and am, but its filling time.
So back to the interaction side of things, well the defensive feeling is because I feel like for the most part I have been the positive one with the kids but yesterday it got the better of me and she immediately jumped on me. On the various occasions XW has cried at handovers I've never jumped on her to tell her to be the grown up. But this is the same double standard that she applied when my dad didn't speak to her which made him awful, but when her mum blanked me that was fine.
So I feel defensive here but I think that's because i know i need to be more positive (and usually am) and in that sense know that she and you all are right. I guess it just bothers me that the one time I'm not she feels she can lecture me on it.
And yes part of it is because she is doing so many of the things that when i suggested it i was being awful and now she is choosing them. And yes a HUGE part of it is that i can see how much she is enjoying her new life and i feel resentful of that. Being positive is hard when you don't feel positive.
I'm trying to let it go, I really am, and I know that actually I could have the same kind of life and I am enjoying the freedom for a number of things, just wish I had XW to share it with (even though this is contradictory as I only have the freedom because the kids arent here)
Equally I know that faking happy and pretending there was nothing wrong didn't serve me well for the last 5 years, and I don't want to teach my kids that's how you handle situations.
My handling of situations like that were always an issue for me, and evidentally still are. I just didn't want to agree with her and say something like 'yes you're right, its important to be positive' - I felt the need to justify and defend my position and stand up for myself despite the fact that she was right.
The honest answer if i had given it would have been 'XW, I know you are right and that we need to be positive and it is something i've been trying to do. I certainly could have responded to D4 better just now but seeing you looking so good and happy with all of the signs of your new life, together with you taking the kids away is still very painful and upsetting for me as it reminds me just what i've lost. As a result I didnt handle things just now as well as I should have done. Please be assured that I will always reassure them that we both love them very much.'
It would have been nice if there was the slightest hint of understanding on her part, or recognition that at the previous 50 odd handovers (none of which last more than a couple of minutes) I have been very positive and usually deal with things in a 'I know, but i will see you in a couple of days and we are going to ..........' way
Having said all that, of late I have let D4 see too much negativity from me and so need to rein that in (I said a couple of derogatory things about OM1 when she was talking about him) and I still haven't found a good answer to give when D4 says something about wanting mummy and daddy to be together.
So in short I've not done brilliantly and must try harder, but as Dr Suess said 'unslumping oneself is not easily done'
Thank you again for your input.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
