Vanilla Fudged 19

[Vanilla]

Thinking of you often, V.

Do you think the secret is, to finally letting go? I am having a hard time quitting hope. I keep trying to argue with myself that there is a valid point of view for his abuse. That maybe I should call him up and ask him to speak with me about it all. I know this is insane. Did you ever struggle with this at any point since first bomb?

I struggle with this too. I am not entirely sure I am there yet. It still crosses my mind and there are lots of bridges still. My D isn't as far forwards as yours, the big house isn't sold yet. So there is much to do. I am not sure I will let go until the Fins are sorted.

I still struggle Z, I wanted to delete WH mobile number from my phones etc but that's rather nonsensical but would stop me from texting. I have blocked him from calling me and emailing, but then I question is WH trying to call etc? I am completely NC, completely and no texts since 10 June 2015 and I want to stay that way for the rest of my life.

I tell myself I am addicted to it, that like all addictions it has to be managed. The disturbance is slightly less and there is no drama but I don't want to be abused. My bottom line boundary "I will not be abused" and I know that with this WH I will be another sweet cycle. Each one is worse than the last. I doubt I would survive another round. It's still a struggle to survive this one, my Fins are so precarious, I struggle with each day, every day I make it is another one under my belt.

Absolutely Z, quitting is really difficult, struggling absolutely. I am not even sure that WH hasn't a new target, one who is at this stage going to make no demands. It is so very hard to know that as I struggle with the morality of knowing others may get hurt.

My fins are such a mess that is one reason I struggle. Survival takes all my energy, considering before I met WH how successful I was and how that easy being has gone.

I spend virtually all my time working hard, and I am only now beginning to turn things around. I am still catching up with my own accounting. It will be uphill still.

I am just hoping I don't go under. It's very close to it.

There was a time very recently that I saw you struggle on your thread and sadly I sense that there will be more struggles ahead. I really loved your letter to yourself. Long time coming, I think that self love is not selfish at all, as targets we have to want to be healthy and well before we can recover.

I concern myself in case being that way is like creating an attractant for my abuser. Unlike most LBS I don't want to reunite with WH, I think that would be the very worst solution for me. A very bad decision, I really don't want to go back to any sweet cycle. I want freedom. I also am concerned for you, and of course whatever you do I am here. It's not easy to find people who understand, I see newcomers here and the occasional sitch is abusive and I can read the sweet cycle restarting and I think "V, this poster hasn't yet had a spell breaker". I will be eternally grateful to Gg for her insight and spotting the abuse in my sitch, she has a special place in my heart for it. Sunny was challenging at the time too. And all the posters here who helped with my personal journey.

Abuse sitches take much much longer to resolve, especially before spell breaker or crisis. I expect it. It is a struggle for me too. We can only resolve our internal issues and I love DB as a tool for that.

Whatever you do is the right thing for Z. You are doing each day the best that you can and you can ask no more. Abusers know they are abusing, I think I assumed it was subconscious but it isn't. They abuse because they can do so to get control, some are so manipulative and covert that as targets we don't see it. Truly we don't and anyone who hasn't been there, can empathise but not really know. The way we describe our R looks vindictive to others, over exaggerated, in many ways I was lucky WH abuse was very visible and I recorded it. That has proved very important, the very thought of listening to it again makes me ill.

When I weaken, that recording is there to remind me. I keep it on my phone. Your list is key for you. I think if I approached WH in the right way he would return to abuse again, that I have given him permission. The longer I am free the harder this is in some ways as the bad memories fade.

So Z yes I really struggle, almost every day and it isn't easy sometimes. I wish I could say differently and had an easy answer that I could give you. All I do is walk to the pain, acknowledge it and look to posters like Dawn, Gg and Scherman who are waving to me down the path, join us in freedom. It is so important they post even if it's just a tiny post, just to know they are free still and enjoying life.

V