Coming back from my emotional abuse

[GoRoPo]

Why did you stop DB'ing.

Because of friends and family, who were/are trying to get us to do this religious counselling that W doesn't want to do. So I tried more heavy handed tactics to get her to do this with me, thinking that it would help if I could just make her do it whether she wanted to or not. Seems to have been a pretty big mistake.

Also, reading and listening to other advice and losing faith in the DB process, combined with the above that made me lose faith in it as well. So, back to square one.

Ok, so the coach suggest this, fine. What else did the coach suggest you do that you haven't been? Doesn't seem like you are following the rules that you should be following.

He suggested to stop pursuing and snooping, which I didn't do. See above for reasons, as well as my own compulsion to keep snooping that I HAVE to get under control.

Don't confuse being separated for her being on vacation and not worrying about you. From what you have written below(R talks all the time, asking for sex, begging/crying during MC) she has alot to worry with you. You aren't giving her space at all and its likely pushing her further and further away.

Agreed. But it has been so hard, especially when she has seemed so ok with it, detached herself, like she is on vacation when I am suffering in hell.

But yes, I do agree.

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Then why aren't you doing this? Seems strange you could initiate sex and R talks multiple times a week..........

Honestly, because of how hard the separation has been on me. There are days when all I can do is sit there and grieve, and the littlest conversation with her brings me back up. Not where I should be, believe me I know, but that's the way it has been. Without kid, it would have been much easier, but we do need to have that contact and it always seemed to have kind of snowballed in to a non-separation separation.

It's come from both of us. She also has initiated contact with me. But I still don't necessarily feel like separation is the only or right way to go about this. Nor do I think that she knew what she was really asking for with it, what it really involved, because of how long we have been together and how young we were when we started our R.

As I said, since I have been back it's been really quite pleasant, especially the last few days when I have totally backed off. Almost normal except without the husband and wife stuff. We'll see what she has to say in MC tomorrow morning I guess...

Look in a mirror, it seems your emotions are the one running wild. What would she say about you?

They are indeed. Before the last few days, more of the same -- needy, panicked, desperate, controlling, etc. Again, the separation and all the above of me being exiled, etc. put me in a really, really bad place. Being back now, I have eased off completely for the last 2 or 3 days now. I am giving her "psychic space", and hopefully that will be enough.

Yes, it common. I am/was? one of those co-dependents who didnt think life could go on without W. Its a rough cycle to break and at times I still don't even know if I have. Its possible that co-dependency wont be fully broken until we are D'ed.

I feel the same way. Not that I think or know if we are headed for D, but I do wonder what I will be like if we DO stay together, if I will ever not be co-dependent. I think it's something that I have to take up with my IC when I resume (see above).

Possible, but its also likely the therapist sees that you are still doing damage and is trying to minimize that since you cant control yourself.

Interesting perspective. Therapist of course hasn't come out and said it, but perhaps you are right? Or maybe she subscribes to "feeling the pain" school of thought, which I don't agree with. As my DB coach said, he has never seen any one punished back in to a relationship. Still very unsure.

Living together doesn't have to mean you do damage. Asking R questions and smothering her will.

Another very interesting take on it. Maybe I'm just hearing what I want to hear, but I think you are right.

Hard to say, but regardless you need to find a way to control your emotions in any situation. Maybe someone else can give some feedback here.

I am curious if anyone has any opinions. It's the hardest part to navigate, trying to maintain a PMA while honoring the therapy and exploring the emotions. I want to be "real", but I don't want to drive her away and show the negative sides that are a recipe for disaster when it comes to DBing.

This part. Honestly, shes basically told you she needs space and was done and you ask for sex? You got to get ahold of yourself and back off. To me it sounds like shes just going along with sex because she doesnt want to deal with you overreacting and becomming depressed. Not a good think if this is the case.

Yeah... I think you are right. I have backed completely off (well I did tell her how good she looked after the bath, and pinched her butt a little later, which I regretted but she laughed and didn't seem upset about it), and I'm going to continue that route until she makes a move. At which point I honestly don't think that I will be able to NOT have sex with her. But I'll cross that bridge if we come to it.

Thank you so much for your reply.