Coming back from my emotional abuse

[GoRoPo]

Go, let's forget labels for a moment. What are some of the specific complaints your W had and how have you 180'd them? You mentioned moodiness, sarcasm... Is that what W said or what you thought? What exactly have you changed?

After the first bomb drop, it was about how negative and mean and resentful and not wanting to be involved I always was, with her and the family. I completely changed this behavior almost from day one. I changed my schedule (I would stay up until all hours of the morning, and sleep as late as I could), stopped a lot of activities I had such as playing poker with friends once a week, watching football every Sunday to the exclusion of the family. I went hiking with her, we went away on weekend vacations, talked about buying a vacation home, etc.

In hindsight, it might have been too much, to the point of smothering.

And when the EA was discovered, I became someone that I never was before. Jealous, snooping, needy, etc. Those are now what I am trying to 180 from. Haven't brought up R, made advances or physical contact, etc. for the last couple of days. Things have been pleasant. But that's the next step of ME that I am really working on. Detaching, letting go of that part of me. So I can't really say I've made too much progress there. The rubber band trick has actually helped.

At its worst I was basically telling her that she HAD to stop being friends with OM, and that she had to start saying she loved me again, etc. It was way, way too much and I think it drove her away again.

I also had a very surreal talk with the OM recently (initiated by him at a party that W threw for a mutual friend's bday, which I came to). He told me that she had approached him and told him that people have told her that she might love him, and that her IC said that maybe it was something to explore... and did he love her? And he told her no. He loved her as a friend, but that was it. I asked if he had feelings for her, and he said he didn't. That he loved her as friend and that was it, and that's what he told her. It was truly a bizarre conversation, and I took more solace in it than I probably should. But there's that anyway.

So, I am working more and more on GAL. Being a great father, reaching out to people and trying to do more things. But it's been slow as far as that aspect goes. Hard to get the momentum going when I have been through the agony of separation (exile) and depressed. Still working on it.

Believe her when she says she's on her own journey. And Go, it's time for you to start yours, too. Explore what it is to be Go without W. Go to IC, GAL, work on those controlling tendencies. No matter what happens with W, those are things you need to do for you.

Have to resume my IC. In my "previous life" I was raised very much against psychotherapy for religious reasons. So living with my mom brought back some of those old feelings. So I stopped going to IC. But I think it's time to resume.

I also think that I can be in the house again without applying the pressure. These last few days have been really pleasant. It almost seems like she is coming around? Well maybe. But I am trying not to put too much stock in that. We have MC tomorrow, so I guess I'll see what she has to say then. Either way, I do know that part of my more positive mental state right now is because of it, thinking that we are on the mend, and I don't like that necessarily. So still have a long way to go with the detachment.