Looking for advice and comfort

[PT33]

continuing on....
2 mondays ago I asked my W if she was coming with me to San Fran to do the spartan race, she said no she was going to stay here (I had reminded her a few times over the last few months). I knew before I asked that she was going to say no, but it didn't make it hurt any less. She asked if I was going by myself and I said yes. I thought it was important for me to go no matter what. I told her it was ok and that I understood. I left the room after that. The next morning she told me she didn't want me to be upset and I told her the same thing. I was trying to be strong and show her I was moving on and I could do it without her. She text me later in the morning and and said please don't be upset, I feel bad I never want to hurt you. I told her I wasn't upset and understood why she couldn't come.

She then text me again later in the day. I have not been imitating texts for at least 3 months (out of 4). She doesn't usually text, some weeks she has some not. It just doesn't make sense to me. Anyways She asked how I was etc and then got irritated when I didn't answer right away. She even called me honey. I just don't get the on/off.

That night she of course stayed later. I went to put the dogs in the MDR and said good night and she was like hey how was your day. Usually she doesn't linger. I said good and asked her how hers was. I again said night and she was like fine I was trying to talk to u. I said ok and then she came up to me and gave me an intimate hug. (????) So random. Wed night she was in a down mood, she said she had a hard therapy session and I just left her alone.

I was hoping that she was gonna changed her mind and come with me but she never did. I left early friday morning and she called me to see how I was doing. She also wanted me to text her when I got there so I did. She text me again at like 10 at night checking to make sure I was ok. I had fallen asleep and didn't get her text till the morning. She told me good luck in the AM.

I cried before the race. It was so hard to be there without her, we had done all the races together. She always motivated me and it was so hard.