Hello, My wife and I have been married for 30 years. Just a few weeks ago she announced she wants a divorce. Not a separation. A divorce.
If you ask her why she is doing this, she will say, because we are different people, and there has been a wall between us. We can't communicate.
I just got introduced to this website and for the first time. Until now, I have been begging, promising, crying, apologizing, but now I have put an end to that. I realize, she even told me, the more of that, the more she is pushed away.
For years she has been saying we have these communication and connection problems but I never really "got it." We have been to counseling, and would feel a little better for a while but would always return to our rut. And I would never really understand why she didn't feel connected. I didn't feel madly in love but I felt OK with things. Now I get it. I can see some of the things I was doing were making her feel unloved. I wasn't giving her the attention she needed and deserved. I wasn't spending time with her. Now that I get it, I feel so bad that I wasn't giving her the love she needed, and I also wish I could just get one more chance to show her what it is like to be loved. I can think of so many things that I would do if she came back. Man would she be loved!
But that is not happening now. She has given me another chance before. In her mind she is "done." End of story. She says she still loves me and cares about me and wants to be my friend but we are not compatible. After 30 years! ARGH!
Note, there is no other person. She has told me (and our counselor) that she has no intention to be with another person. Relationships are a downer for her now.
My biggest problem right now is that she wants to move quickly and get it over with. I feel like if I had some time I could do the things I am reading about on this site. she wants to move into a different place as soon as possible. I feel this will be a huge financial burden and both of us will have a hard time making ends meet and the kids will suffer. I really don't see how we can even make it on our own, with each having our own mortgage. So I am really stressed about taking on all the expenses with half the income. I think the little savings we have will be gone quickly and then we could lose one or both of the houses. Plus, for the kids, I think they would have some time to adjust to the idea of what is happening if we take things slowly. And, I feel like if we are in separate houses I will not be able to show her I am changing. That seems to be the easiest part - the 180. I am reading books about how to communicate better, control my anger, I'm getting up earlier in the morning, I'm looking her in the eye when we talk, and repeating back what she says, I'm cleaning up much more around the house, I feel like a different person.
But moving into a different house (whether it is me or her) My fear is that if she gets into another house, our finances will go down the drain, the kids will suffer more, and she will never get to see the changes I'm making.
I know one of the ideas here is to let her take the space she needs. but in this case I really think it is going to hurt my cause. I really would like to stay under one roof as long as possible and I can live in a different room and give her lots of space, and stay at a friends house a few nights a week... But she just says she feels strongly that one of us has to move out and get a new place. She thinks it will be easier on the kids because they won't be confused by seeing us interacting when we are "split up." And I think she is in "la-la land" in terms how it will be financially when she's on her own.
I just don't get it, after 30 years, can't we just slow down a bit? What is the rush? I understand she wants to split up with me but I don't see why we have to move towards separate houses and plow towards the Big D as soon as possible.
I have been depressed, losing weight,... To be honest, the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is the hope that I will get her back.
I know I'm supposed to detach. But I am having a hard time with that. I just love her. More than ever before. All the things that used to bug me about her before have disappeared. I can do the "Act as if" because it's acting, and down inside I am sad and wanting to be with her. But detaching means to actually let her go. To give up. No way. I just can't do that. this whole thing is supposed to be about getting her back, right? why do I have to detach? Can't I keep my love for her strong, even if it is hidden?
And in regards to the house situation, I would love to hear from others if I should continue to resist her plan to get out as soon as possible.
