Back again, ready to resume DB'ing. I have made loads of mistakes, but I'm here reading and want to try again.
Why did you stop DB'ing.
So, since last I left, we separated (per wife's finally getting the nerve up to ask in a MC session). Per the advice of my DB coach, I dove in to head first, with a good attitude, and we decided that I would be the one to move out. A friend was going out of town for the summer and said I could stay there until they got back.
Ok, so the coach suggest this, fine. What else did the coach suggest you do that you haven't been? Doesn't seem like you are following the rules that you should be following.
So, I went for it. And it has been the absolute hardest time in my entire life. I feel like I am being eaten up from the inside out, while W is on a vacation at home, same as always, but with no ME to worry about. I'm paying all the bills, the mortgage, status quo, except I AM EXILED! So it's been incredibly hard.
Don't confuse being separated for her being on vacation and not worrying about you. From what you have written below(R talks all the time, asking for sex, begging/crying during MC) she has alot to worry with you. You aren't giving her space at all and its likely pushing her further and further away.
I feel like I have been banished, punished, paying penance, whatever. It [censored] [censored]. I even resorted to leaving the house I was in and moving in with my mom and step-dad, because I couldn't stand being alone. So that's where I have been for a little while.
And there have been plenty of breakdowns, relationship talks and status updates initiated by me, etc. I am ready to move on from that and actually get to DBing here.
But our MC has STRONGLY encouraged us to stay "truly" separated -- no weekend trips, very little communucation, the whole bit. But I just don't feel like she is right.
Then why aren't you doing this? Seems strange you could initiate sex and R talks multiple times a week..........
Meanwhile, I really don't know where she is at in this all, and TRULY NEITHER DOES SHE. I have never seen someone so "at effect" of their emotions. As though she is just waiting for some wave of something to wash over her. She doesn't know what she wants, how she feels about us moving forward, or anything. Well except that she feels totally closed off to me and doesn't know if she could forgive me or ever open up to me again (mentioned in MC). That she is pretty sure of right now. And that she is on this "journey" without me... whatever that means. So far she has gone off on a few weekend trips alone, and resumed her online shop business.
Look in a mirror, it seems your emotions are the one running wild. What would she say about you?
I know that I am still very co-dependant on her (seems to be a running theme here with most of the men who have been with their spouses since their teenage years -- in fact the 2 that I have read through have been almost a mirror image of my situation).
Yes, it common. I am/was? one of those co-dependents who didnt think life could go on without W. Its a rough cycle to break and at times I still don't even know if I have. Its possible that co-dependency wont be fully broken until we are D'ed.
So, a few questions, and happy to get in to more specifics of the last 2 1/2 months if anyone wants to know:
1) I have been home for the last week (living out of a bag), and basically made up my mind that I am moving back. Our MC has STRONGLY encouraged us to keep up the separation. W said that she had a rough and sad time last weekend when I had our D8 and D5 out of town with me. Seems that the therapist wants my W to see what D really looks like? Except, it's not at all what D would look like. We would have to sell the house, W would have to get a job, daughters would truly be split custody, etc. So in my mind FVCK IT, I can't take it and I am coming home.
Possible, but its also likely the therapist sees that you are still doing damage and is trying to minimize that since you cant control yourself.
Is this a huge mistake? Am I doing irreparable damage? Unless I bring up the R, or I am feeling shitty because I can't hold her hand or kiss her, or because I focus on her rings being removed, or who she's texting, or whatever, it's truly nice, and normal feeling. We get along great, watch movies, go out to eat (all with the kids, no "date nights")
Living together doesn't have to mean you do damage. Asking R questions and smothering her will.
We did discuss my moving back, and W said basically "well you gotta do what you gotta do". When I asked if she would leave if I came back, she said that right now she just wants to keep things stable and good for the kids, and her leaving would not be that... as if divorce would, but whatever.
2) Speaking of marriage counselling, and all the emotions that can come up (being needy, crying, panicked, all the UNATTRACTIVE qualities that in fact my wife said at our last session "that's so unattractive to me"), HOW DO I NAVIGATE THIS? I want to show detachment, moving on, whatever, but I also want to honor what we are trying to do in therapy. What do I do here?
Hard to say, but regardless you need to find a way to control your emotions in any situation. Maybe someone else can give some feedback here.
3) Sex. Up until this last week, she has been open to have sex more or less whenever I wanted, and yes I was virtually always the initiator. This week I brought it up twice, but due to other R talks that I have initiated, she has said very much that she's not in the mood, that it's all mental for women. Which I get. For me, yes I enjoy sex and get horny, but I also think it helps me feel a bit more "normal" and that I am maybe getting back to being initmate with her. I suppose I should just completely stop asking her or initiating (through back rubs that turn in to sex or whatever) at all. Correct?
This part. Honestly, shes basically told you she needs space and was done and you ask for sex? You got to get ahold of yourself and back off. To me it sounds like shes just going along with sex because she doesnt want to deal with you overreacting and becomming depressed. Not a good think if this is the case.
I guess that's enough for now. I will keep posting. Thanks.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
