It rained a lot here today but I still had a nice day with the kids. we met some friends at a pub with an indoor play area which was good fun. we came home played some games and baked some cakes. So all good.
When XW came to pick up the kids things weren't quite so good.
I've been feeling quite down about the whole thing for a little while now. From my perspective my XW has this perfect life and I hear from D4 about all the things that she does with XW and OM1 as little family outings and at the same time i can be pretty sure that the times I have the kids they are able to have the kind of happy, fun relationship that XW and I enjoyed before we had kids. I've seen plenty of hard evidence of this.
Anyway, that's just been getting to me because of feeling not only comprehensively replaced but also a mixture of jealously because its the life i wanted with XW, but things got in the way and because in truth I'm really feeling quite lonely. There are only so many nights where I can be sat at home no matter how well I can occupy myself.
There has also been a couple of points of friction with XW during the week but it seemed fine and normal (relatively) when i collected the kids.
Anyway when XW arrived to collect the kids there were a bunch of minor things, not least that she was looking amazing, which reminded me about her new life and how things have changed. On top of the fact she was taking the kids, this upset me (not to the point of crying but definitely upset).
D4 got upset which is fairly usually does and said something about not seeing me enough. I replied that I wish I saw her more as well and we had a good hug and i carried her to the car. She was still upset though. I think she was more upset because I was.
Once D4 was in the car XW stopped to speak to me. she told me that we need to be quicker at handovers and I needed to stop upsetting the children. I told her that D4 was always upset at handovers.
She said she heard what I said to her about not seeing her enough and that I shouldn't say these things and that it wasn't fair. I replied that i understood how she feels but that I'm not going to pretend that I don't wish I could see the kids more. This conversation was repeated a couple of times before XW said that it wasn't good for the kids and that we needed to be positive at handovers.
I said that I usually was but I always want to reassure D4 that I love her and miss her just like I reassure her that XW loves her when she cries because she misses XW.
XW said she does the same but that we need to be the grown ups. There was a small amount of very non aggressive to and fro until I asked what would she like me to say.
She said nothing but repeated about being quick at handovers and some more about being grown up and positive.
At this point I said something like she needs to understand that we are living in very different circumstances from each other. She immediately got a very defensive tone and said I know nothing about her circumstances.
I didn't really comment on this but did say that I always try to make the handovers as easy as possible and that I try to make the interaction with XW as friendly as possible as I think that's best for the kids.
At this points she said that she was going and got in the car and drove off. Because the rain had eased off i got changed and went for a run.
So.......
I reacted emotionally and managed to irritate XW in the process. I don't feel I was mean or horrible but she will almost certainly seen at that way and have gone away with the view that I haven't changed at all, especially given her comments about 'needing to be the grown ups'
I might be putting too much pressure D4, I don't know but I don't want to be telling her I'm happy to see her go because that feels like telling her that its not OK for her to be upset.
I know at the root of this is the hurt I'm still feeling about the whole situation and today it got the better of me. I need to find a way to properly get over her because continuing to be in love with her isn't doing me any good.
If there is some consolation its that there was zero chance of fixing things with XW anyway so its not like I've made it worse.
As always thanks for reading and any advice/analysis is much appreciated.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
