seperated 4 months, its now 9 months, oh and om

[Vanilla]

If you were deep into Foggs post you will realise that not loving yourself isn't an action, it's a thought. I am not loveable and for some reason I need others to love me before I do the work to love myself.

That thought leads to self sabotage (behaviour) and it isn't useful.

The 'cavern' mentioned in within us.

Actually loving yourself can change in an instant if you want it. It's a thought which has become a belief, I believe I am unloveable. Change that belief and you give yourself permission. The other things you mention are shyness not love. The release and giving up alcohol are loving things to do, the disease of alcoholism doesn't define you. You are not what you think or do, that is conditional, if you are in reverie sometimes that isn't self love, and if you are down that's not self hate. You are worth loving just because of your humanity, it is enough to be, we are human beings not human doings. You are part of love by merely existing and living, I sense you are on the side of the Angels (even if not one yourself ) that is enough.

There is also another belief in your post that if I am not loved then I can't love. It's a generalisation and some locked thinking that can be shaken free very easily. A quid pro quo that holds no water at all. Like saying grass is green, all green things are grass. None of it is true, some grass is yellow and there are many other green objects. Try this instead: I love my daughter and she loves me. I am loveable because I am loved. How can I deny myself the capacity to love when I need this in my life so as not to deny others.

This belief would have started young but it isn't something you have a duty to hang onto. Beliefs change with realisations of inconsistencies, and this is one, like a chain when one link is cut the ball falls free. You don't have to break every link to free that ball from the ankle chain.

If any one belief breaks this changes. I am convinced this isn't fear it's more cerebral, a thought or a belief that's causing it.

So I challenged Foggs belief and he discovered that he loved his children and they love him. So where is the unloveable and unloving Fogg? If you have love with just one person then the whole fallacy disintegrates. (Black swan). Children are the ideal challenge to make this belief go poof! If you can spot that for Fogg then draw the parallel for yourself. You are worthy of your daughter's love (which is her choice not yours) thus it's enough and if you love your daughter, the irrational belief will not hold. You won't reject the gift of love from your D, but you do reject your love for yourself, you only think you reject your own love. But like the elephant in the room, Help is loved we just proved that and only Help cant see the elephant. All of this thinking is derived from Socrates so it's well established, you could try googling Albert Ellis and his rationality, the art of happiness has some roots there.

So I think for you Help, that cavern isn't empty of emotion, it's just blocked because a big stone covers the entry, roll it away and all will start to clear. It truly isn't a long process to change, thoughts change quickly.

Firstly give yourself permission to love and be loved and to be loveable. Happiness is about becoming as things change this will happen. It seems to me Help has enormous love and care in his life and all he needs to do is accept that. Then the emotions will unblock and below that the feelings and below that the physiology will change. All because you unblocked.

It sounds easy because that part is easy, what isn't easy is demonstrating that love. Much harder to do, but by standing for your M and yourself, you are loving yourself already. I observe that the thought and belief are stopping you observing that.

It is a different issue to Foggs but the conseqence is the same. If you said V I am afraid to show the love then that takes strategy. That's a how question instead of where question.

Calmly ask have I loved in my life? Am I taking W loss as a generalisation. Moving from the current situation to every situation?

You have done well Help, and I would really like you to sit and just be with all the overwhelm gone, and the love pouring into the cavern. This love is unlimited. I project that to you over the miles. It will come easily to you, I know it will.

V