Just wanted to let you know that things are great these days. I am so happy. I have released, released, released! uR, you got it girl... those times you would tell me I was still giving him headspace, well I was.
It was much less, so I thought it was OK. Which it was, and a process in which I needed to go through. I actually thought I would always have the thoughts and questions.. that would appear in my mind.
Now, I get it... that's still headspace. I can say I feel it is gone. It has been a good chunk of time, I know, so much more to go, but I have overcome the most difficult.
I never could even imagine that I would get to a place where I just didn't really even care anymore. Didn't think it was possible.
I know I was progressing, but Wal-Gate brought forth a fast and furious release. Eye-opening, not caring, energy release for me.
I have released them, from my mind, to go do whatever, however, whenever they want. Don't want to know. Don't care.
Enough about that. I am happier. Quite possibly happier than I've ever been in my life. It's amazing what can happen to you when you let go of such a major burden. So many follow, ones you didn't even know existed.
It's a very different view of the world and mind-set that I have now. I am at peace. I am comfortable. Things are good.
I still struggle with overcoming setbacks, like financially, and with the house and kids, but nothing that is debilitating. The kitchen is not done, but it is functional and mostly complete. I am at a standstill, for financial reasons. And that's ok. It is beautiful and amazing. We love it. My friends love it. My kids love it. It's huge and a big hang out area.
We have had lots of pool time and gathering. It's just such a fun, positive, relaxing atmosphere in my house now. People call and come by a lot for some relaxation and laughs.
I feel pretty good about myself. I think I look better than I have in a very long time. Granted, the irreversible toll the past two-three years have taken on me (even prior to bd) is present. But I have embraced it, and I think that my smile makes a bit of a difference. I'd forgotten what it was like for awhile. Which is so not me. And I get comments about it often now, too. And, I am back at my ideal weight, too.
Had my 20 year reunion this weekend. It was like a weekend event. It was a blast and I know I would have never enjoyed it like I did without... weight.
Anyway, lots of new things going on. Nothing significant. I will post again in the near future, but I just wanted to give a shout out to my friends and supporters.
Oh, my brain is still transitioning, tho. I can feel it struggling with things at times. I think in a way that is described as what a MLCer feels. Like, I think I obtained some sympathy pains of it. Emotionally contagious. Weird.
I will just put one thing that has happened... well the only thing since Wal-Gate. I was taking on the burdensome task of cleaning out the office the other day. It was his room. Still has stuff there, like birth cert, and all sorts of things.
Anyway, for the past year and a half, I haven't really been in there. I used it as a room to "dump" things in while the house was under construction.
So, on the desk, there were some file folders. I picked them up and right there on top of the desk, right out in plain sight, something I had never even looked at.
On a piece of computer paper, turned landscape direction, in xh's writing, "I CAN'T CHANGE". It was traced over and over a few times. His writing, no doubt. It was the only thing on the paper. Dead center of the paper. Right out on the desk. He had been spending a little more time in there prior to bd. But, it was a bit of a.... moment for me.
Confusing, weird, shaking stuff up... but nothing like it ever has. Add to it all his "stuff" including our marriage cert, divorce papers, pictures of us, 'his' room, 'his' stuff... and that paper.
But I'm OK, and it does not bother me anymore, really. I felt badly for him to be such a broken person. IT's just not my problem anymore.
So keep it going, guys. The support here is amazing, and going through the process is so worth everything. EVERYTHING... bc it changes EVERYTHING for the better. And that's the way I want to live the rest of my life.
