I toldThis really should have been "We Told" my D9 about the D last night. Soo painful. I made sure W would be present to see the pain she is inflictingonn her children by her selfish and deliberate actions. W held D9 as D9 cried and all she could muster was "we are so sorry!". Not "sorry I have caused all of this with my selfish actions and am pushing for D", but "sorry we are all going through this difficult time right now", as if it is an unfortunate circumstance beyond all of our control, like cancer or a death in the family.
RAI ... this is throwing 100% of the blame and shame on W, might be how you feel and I get it ... but no matter how bad a M is or the D goes ... not the kids fault and BOTH parents need to own their stuff, we can not control the WAS nor if they own theirs .. but we surely can own ours, keep our sides of the street clean ... this is screaming one-sided its all her fault look what she is doing to you D9 .. like you are trying to get her on YOUR side here, regardless of the circumstances, the kids need BOTH parents in their lives
Cali and V,
I am trying very hard not to alienate W. The quote above is what I was thinking, after the fact. I did not verbalize anything of the sort and I most certainly did not show it. We both were there for D9 and D9 went between me and W the whole time, hugging each of us, while crying. It would have been much worse to tell D9 without W present, no? Also, what I said was based on what MWD advised. See my thread for more details. I had practiced it for weeks before saying it.
There is a huge difference between what I feel and what I said and how I acted. I know I have a lot of anger and bitterness to process, and that is what I need to work on.
Just to clarify. there are more details on my thread. Sorry for Hijacking, Heavy.
Had brunch with mutual work friend. Friend tells me that WAW told everyone at work that I "kicked her out of the house" thus the split. WAW had the A, would not stop and could not wait to leap. Of course I am painted as the bad guy in her narrative. We did have discussion as to who was going to leave and it turned out she did first. It galls me that I was painted as the bad guy. Not a surprise though.
Now the word is out that she was seeing this other person at work and now people are questioning her. Work Friend also said that WAW and her work situation are not going well. She could not elaborate further, but interesting development.
More than anything, it feels like my WAW has pride issues, and is prideful to admit she mucked up. She has issues with that and will not likely back down. Oh well, there is nothing I can do about that. What is that saying Pride comes before a fall? We'll see.
PigPen, no I do not have the kids this week and I miss them so. They are on East Coast with WAW and her side of the family. I know they are having a good time.
On the GAL front - went and saw with new friend the Janis Josplin play which was GREAT. We had dinner afterwards and just had a nice chat. Met a friend today for brunch with her daughter. They invited me to come out to Michigan to their farm when things settle down. Going to a movie with another friend this afternoon. So yeah, a full weekend.
I miss kids a LOT. I still miss my W or who I thought my W was. In my heart, I know she is not well nor happy, but I have to just love her from afar. She is on this journey of her own choice.
The urge to "help her" is dissapating. All I can do is keep my side of the street clean. That is such a novel concept for me, before I took responsibility for so many things that were not mine to begin with. Detachment has allowed me to see that now. It is a mind opening experience.
Hey Heavy... the narrative issue is always interesting. It was clear my W wanted to paint a narrative wherein she and I separated and, after a somewhat respectable period of time, she could introduce the OW as her new partner. I didn't let that happen with our mutual friends. And she's embarrassed and has distanced herself from nearly all of them.
However, it does seem as though the truth always eventually emerges. Your W could say whatever she wanted to say, but now the questions are out there. It's hard to be patient for justice to prevail - especially because mostly, it doesn't seem to. But when it comes to lying, yes, this is an interesting development. Eventually, the deception catches up to the deceiver.
Glad to see how detachment is helping you. Thanks for setting a good example.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
"still miss my W or who I thought my W was. In my heart, I know she is not well nor happy, but I have to just love her from afar. She is on this journey of her own choice. "
How I am feeling to Heavy.....
M: 32 W: 35 M 2 1/2 T 4 1/2 same sex couple W "unhappy" April 2015 D first asked for mid May 2015 2nd D end of June 2015 D papers in hand, just have to sign Start of piecing 8/20/15 A confirmed 1/2/15
Hopefully I will pick up kids Thursday evening and have them Friday Sat and Sun. I don't even care if my w uses this time to spend with OW. I will get to see my kids.
I called to talk to them last night and had to interact with several ww family members - brother in law and mother in law. Both said how good it was to hear my voice. I said yes, nice to hear yours too and left it at that. Hurts as I spent 20 years with these people. However I have to be civil as they are a gateway to my kids. Not once did any of then say they were sorry for their family member dumping our marriage and making our kids hurt.
Just can't believe how negative how all of this went down. Talked to W a little and ahe tells me she is having dinner at th new restaurant in town with sister and her husband. Obviously I won't be there as I have been for 20 years. I said I hope you have a great time I heard the restaurant is really good.
And then fade to black.
Back in the saddle at work today. I will crush it!!
Yeah...all WASes have to demonize us otherwise why would they leave such great people?? Yep, ugly narrative ensues so they can get friends and family on their side. Phew! I do wonder what really happens when they have their life review after they die and see all the damage left in their wake with their lies.
Keep it up...you are doing really good with keeping your distance while being cordial in your interactions.
I wanted to circle back to the name thing. I would still continue calling W by her name in the emails. I continued calling Ms. Wonka by her name despite her "refusal" to acknowledge my name for years and years. It was not too long ago that she finally came around to starting her opening greetings with my name.
Be a little persistent bugger in that regard. Yeah, it bugged me too, but I took the long-view. Now, we call each other by our first names when we exchange emails/texts.
Always good to read your texts. I will keep sending texts to her and emails using her name.
I am trying so hard to be cordial and polite, sometimes I am better at it than others, but I am aware that I get further with her when I am polite. So that is the goal. Inside however, I am still crushed and deeply wounded by her behaviors.
I saw Train Wreck with a friend yesterday. Urgh, so full of gratitious sex and the tired story line of how when we are young we all go through that but when we become adults and aware, we settle down, realize that life partnerships and family are what counts. It made me really uncomfortable to watch it.
How is it that my W does not get this? She is so happy and smug to just flush us all away and turn into a teenager with no thoughts to her actions. Is that what all of this is to her - just the sex. "It is the passion" that is missing from our marriage is the latest message I got for why she dumped our marriage. Our marriage was never challenged in that area. We talked about many many times how good that aspect was.
OK - so we broke up. But the manner of how it all went down was unspeakably cruel. How many people she lied to, how many lies she told me and our kids, her famuily. I don't think I will ever be normal and trusting of people again.
So, I woke up this morning thinking again how I can do this, I will make it happen, how I can be the strong one for me and my kids. I have to, not my choice but it's my reality.
Stockdale Paradox front and center of my thoughts today.
Here's the thing. I am so lonely even in a room full of people. When I don't think about situation, I feel OK.
When I do ineveitably think about the situation, I still freak a bit. Holy Chit, this is it. I am alone. How did I get here....spiral...spiral...spiral....bonk.
I have learned to thought stop, which helps but not 100%... I focus on the good things I have which there are many many many good things in my life and I am grateful for each and every one of them.
I am GALing, but still feel the emotional pangs of lonliness. I have made some me friends which is nice, but .... I still feel lonely.
I am doing better with work, more active, but still feel lonely. I am so missing being with a partner, just to talk, relate with, not to mention all of the other good things that go with being happily married. I feel ALONE like on a deserted island alone. I don't feel safe anymore.
Most of my friends tell me to get back out there and start dating but OMG, I don/t think I can do that either. So that means I am stuck between two worlds ..... lonely yet not ready to put myself out there and date... that's just too scary for me now. Besides, who wants to go on a date with someone who is mopey.
This sounds like I am in a self imposed prison right. I have the keys, I know. I can let myself out at any time... WTF is wrong with me?
