New here.

[Vanilla]

Little

Your WH and WW are in an A. Both of them are cheaters OW is a WW, a scuzzy WW. All WP lie to themselves, their family's and their LBS.

Most of these As don't last, it is very hard to make this sort of R work. OWs come in different flavours, I once took a sample of posters here and identified for myself lots of different types of OW. Sad huh?

The one thing they all have in common (as long as they know they are an OW) is complete lack of morality, especially the married ones. Eventually despite all the OW and WH A will last up to 2 years. Both have scrambled eggs for brains, let it burn I tself out. Both will be angry and unhappy that is a deep disatisfaction with themselves and this is not about you.

I would say don't trouble your head over it, as far as you think you have an handle it will change. I know it is hurtful and baffling too. But these two are addicts, just as addicted to their A as they would be to any substance. addicts will do everything and anything to use their substance. I was married to a gambler and it's similar....

Truth will out, always does it's inevitable, the lies they tell will not be sustainable in the long run.

Your friend sounds very safe and quite wonderful, all of us need a safe person who will just let us be. It is so important.

You will get through this, I know you feel isolated at the moment because OW seems a little SWF (single White Female) acquiring your life, you are your children's mum and always will be. The stronger you become, the more you follow Sandi guidelines the better for you. This process is for you, so you become someone only a fool would leave.

V

[HeavyD]

V

Would you care to share your list of OW? I am curious.

Yes, agreed all cheaters and OW and OM and scuzies.

You give such good and calming advice. I love to read your posts.

Heavy

[Vanilla]

Thanks Heavy, it originally arose between myself an Dawn, an attempt at humour.

Another random thread

OP

I have observed they fall into several categories none of which seem terribly stable. It could be that a WAS or MLC looks to find an ego boost so chooses an easily influenced OP, who is not developed as a person and often less than spouse.

Here is Vs a light look at some categories of OP:

1. An innocent or numpty,
perhaps young but inexperienced easily persuaded and availability is total. This type is likely to cling and be dependent, to want long term and permanent. Will have poor boundaries as inexperienced, likely that WAS will cheat and cover it up. Will post lots of cute couple pictures on fb once WAS is S. Could feel guilty if A exposed. Prognosis for long term poor as naive will grow up as the limmerance wears off.

2. Narc overt or covert
Only interested in married partners, keen to break up marriage to boost own ego. Initially dangerous but will get bored and moves on to break up next marriage. May even tease but ultimately pull away. May break up marriage deliberately to feel superior. May even marry for money before moving on, leaves WAS poorer. Do not challenge as this will only increase the ego boost for the narc. prognosis for long term non existent.

3. BPD
Will stalk WAS, charm and then bunny boil. Hard to get rid of, think Glenn Close or the H in gaslight. Stay out of the way of the venom and let WAS deal with the Sitch. Will burn out and repel WAS as the mask falls. Could be dangerous, LBS strategy you can have him. long term no chance.

4. Drama Queen or Poison Baby
Will run down spouse of WAS as is afraid the spouse is wonderful and feels inferior. Will try to poison WAS against spouse, may turn up on LBS doorstep and say leave WAS alone, likely to spy, accuse WAS of cheating with spouse, will tantrum and be petulant. gives WAS a taste of own medicine. May even attempt to alienate children and family of WAS. Master in emotional blackmail. No challenge directly by LBS, flirt with WAS will drive this type into more bad behaviour and make more insecure. Short term only.

5. Skank, pond scum and easy lay or bike
Exactly what it says on the tin, for one night only or a repeat late nighter. Sex available but not always that good. Very insecure and often superficial, may even be married and a serial cheat. A danger to health. No self respect and no respect from WAS either. Could even be an escort. WAS likely not to want to acknowledge connection. Not worth a thought. Not even short term.

6. In lurve soulmate
Ideal companion in early flushes of infatuation but in the fullness of time every day life will cause tensions as WAS has to meet increasing demands of a more normal relationship. Ultimately brown grass not greener grass. Possible longer term but likely a transitional partner to asuage loneliness and aid movement. Allow to run its course, if LBS interferes then it is WAS and OP against the world. Lasting up to 2 years.

7. Lost love
Rose coloured glasses, the past relationship between the two failed to make it because of incompatibility or perhaps never started so will this. WAS unlikely to meet lost loves expectations or memory especially if they are in MLC. Illusion shattered. lasting up to 2 years.

8. Charmer or Mata Hari
More selective than one nighter chooses the most attractive prey or may be for money. Sex as art. May play games and may be satisfied with EA, long play in seduction after control. No interest in a R at all. About the conquest not the sex. This is all about the chase, may even be married. Could be a work colleague or long distant. Might be a catfish or online. Once caught will extract and leave WAS wanting. Will not tolerate chase. Ignore as no relationship possible.

Hope this brought you a smile

V

[Vanilla]

For the record D I sense your OW may be category 2 or 3. The fishwife was a 5.

Too soon to think about littles particular brand but first blush would suggest 4.


Any thoughts or additions to list? If so my thread may be best.

V

[HeavyD]

V

I think the OW is a 5 based on emails i saw. So in love so immature - we love each other it's a pity we are both married and have kids kind of thing. My w was pushing for commitment - ow is an open marriage person and was resistant. Serves my wife right. I have no further Intel and this was months ago.

I have stopped any drama and have left it all alone. I want no part of it.

What is a fishwife? Was that your H "s ow??? Are you saying you thought she was a 4? Sorry I am a thick American and some of the nuances don't make sense! Sorry for that!

Yes I do have a few others and will post on your thread soon.

Yours did make me laugh!!! I needed it too.

Best Heavyd

[Vanilla]

Heavy yes the Fishwife was one of WH POWs, she is clearly a five, a big fat five.

The four could be littles WH OW.

Dwh won't hijack further, apologies.

V

[little1]

Thanks V. I needed that. And yes H's thing is defiantly #4. Probably more of them but #4 for sure.


I saw H this morning. It was difficult because I have to stop asking questions, reassurances, R talk everything. But it was nice listening to him talk about work. Focus off me and pay attention to what he says

[little1]

Here is a background on OW. I know from experience of knowing her as a friend (EX), what I have seen, and what I have heard.

1. She has been married 2X. A month before my H moved in she was talking marriage to another man. Now she wants to marry my H. She has been the cheater and the one cheated on. She does not believe this is an affair but 2 people who fell in love.
2. Does NOT like that H and I talk. So we talk when they are not together or when she isn't looking. (Funny that is a sign of a cheater)
3. Does NOT like it when I have to ask him to buy something for the children.
4. Has said H is cheating on her with me. LOL.
5. When my children call to talk to H, she stands in the background yelling his name to divert his attention. Due to this the children wont call him. (I have heard this)
6. Demands to be part of the decision making when it comes to my children. Yeah no.
7. Loves to parade him around like a trophy
8. Will play victim to anyone who will listen
9. Is self-centered, High maintance, and very all about her only.
10. Has made multiple statements that she wants me and her to be friends when this is all said and done. I would prefer to be put in a tank full of spiders and have to get my self out. (I have a severe fear of spiders so there you go.)

[little1]

V,

No worries on hijacking. I really needed it this morning.

When H and I were going our different ways this morning he made the statement that we were fine. Just 3 weeks ago he was telling me he was done and I could go away.

He did say that he has buried himself back in work so he is not thinking about "coming home" all the time. Every so often I catch glimpses of a different man, Not the one from before, but not the one he turned into. Does that make sense?

I think more and more that this is a MLC but I have decided not to try and figure out where in the crisis he is. Its too complicated and honestly not worth it anymore. It just makes me feel worse if I get it wrong. Truth will when out in the end.

I have to say I have to learn patience. GAL is helping alot with that.

[Vanilla]

Little

Take your time. I think with this OW the closer and more cooperative you and WH are, the more her true nature will emerge. And it will,

It's best to concentrate on you, to create space for little, to strengthen her and DB.

The last poster I discussed these issues and with the handle 'little' ended being very strong in recovery, it is a good omen.

V