Thanks for asking. Hanging in as best I can. I'm starting to hear from all around town that people she thought were her allies are feeling like she's totally imploding. Four more work days till my trip! I'm hanging in as best I can. All will be well...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
My blood pressure has become an object of anxiety again so I thought I'd list my worries here to put things in perspective:
1. The divorce. STBX still has the power to upset me. The divorce is almost through but not quite, and he continues to ask for things. Yesterday he asked for a kitchen table. It belonged to his grandfather so I understand why (and he says his mother asked for it), but it was in the basement unused when he moved out and bought a new one from Target. He brought other stuff from the basement so he made an intentional choice not to take it. But he wants it back. Just not now, because he has no place to put it. So apparently he considers me free storage at his convenience. I can't talk to him more than five minutes without feeling blind fury. Though I suppose that's an improvement from six months ago when I wanted to grab him bodily and throw him whenever I saw him.
2. My babysitter situation. It's a long and dreary tale, but I'm firing my sitter. Except yesterday when I went to tell her, she was sleeping... Or "sleeping." I left her a long letter but I don't know if she's seen it yet so I guess I have to text her (her preferred method of communication) to say "you're fired, read the letter I left you." I just so can't wait for the fallout from that.
3. My move. I think it will be fine, but there is a LOT bundled into those two little words to stress me out. I'm trying so hard to have faith.
4. My job. My boss was nice on Friday but she's been HELL for a while. I'm definitely poorly placed and I'd really like to quit. I have to get through my closing first. She has been horrible and my pay will get docked for my house closings. She yells at me for stuff that's not my fault (is actually her fault). Just walking into the office is oppressive.
5. My health. It has suffered badly since I went back to work. I don't want to live like this anymore.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Ok, decisions: the statute of limitations on asking me for stuff has run. If he wants it, he takes it in the next two weeks or its mine forever. He fired me from being his wife so he stops treating me like one. For pete's sake, he's been out of the house fifteen months. Whether he has space for it is not my problem.
I just took my blood pressure. First it came out high enough to call 911. Then I focused on relaxing and took it again. It came down 10/10. I relaxed more, took it again and it came down 15/5. This will not be the boss of me. I will teach myself to be healthy. This does not need to be a problem.
The sitter is fired for LOTS of cause. I don't need to own her problems. Some of them are bad luck but some of them are natural consequences of bad choices, including foolish choices I've watched her make. I'm sorry this will hurt her but she didn't have to have done much not to have lost her job.
I already intend to leave my job. I'm sure the next one will pay better. I have plans for how to get the next one. If my boss gives me grief for the closing, or for going to the doctor for blood pressure medication, or for stuff that's not my doing, well, I'm a short-timer. She can stuff it. I was upfront when she hired me and she said it wasn't a problem. I can't own this.
The move will happen. Things may be lost or broken and that will happen too. But once I'm moved that's it. I get to stay and learn what it feels like to grow roots and live from a place of stability. And once it's done it's done. "Moving" will be crossed off my list indefinitely, not looming over me indefinitely as it has been since 2011.
Wow... My housing situation truly has been in a state of constant flux since October 2011. I wonder how my blood pressure will settle once I'm in my new house? In a sense it will be like erasing the last 12 years, because the house I'm moving to is similar in price, size, and condition to the one we lived in when D12 was born. Getting settled will be an amazing experience. (I'm starting to really feel better now).
I like feeling healthy and strong. I do like to cook and exercise but I've been doing the minimum because of a combination of fatigue, laziness, and feelings of not being worth the effort. That is wrong. I need to add a few things to my life to improve its quality. I must become ok. There are too many reasons to take care of myself to not make the effort.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Just spent five minutes on Facebook liking things I really enjoy and I feel so refreshed. And the kids are on their way home from their trip to visit STBX's family and I'll be so relieved to have them home. I really miss them. Diana Krall playing so the house isn't quiet, a cup of coffee and a fun mystery I'm going to start this morning. Starting to feel a little more like myself.
It has been a long, very rough ride. It will take time to get my ship righted and moving in the direction I want to go. There's no purpose to beating myself up for not being there yet.
I think maybe I am feeling some grief for how very tough things were for such a long time. I've stood up and taken every body blow and tried not to let it knock me down. The end is in sight. It's ok to grieve, and I'd rather do it here and leave it here (and tell the new owners to have it spiritually cleansed when they move in) than bring my grief to my new house/fresh start.
I really did have a long rough ride. I've learned a big lesson. Sorry for the post-bombing this morning, I guess it's processing day for me.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I spent a chunk of yesterday cleaning out a desk I have to get rid of and came across a stack of cards from STBX from our early years in which he gushed about how much he loved me.
That felt so weird when I think about how he evolved in his treatment of me not so many years later. And he left me a huge box of old bills that I'm sorting through and tossing. I look at the dates and think about where we were then and it's just weird. And both my older kids had to be taken to the doctor for strep throat while they were with STBX (so S7 is probably on deck to get it too) and they look awful on FaceTime and clearly miss me very much because they just hang on the line while I soothe them from 600 miles away.
I leave for Paris in four days. I so hope I succeed in relaxing. It's a real struggle at the moment.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Yep. Paris. A friend from the west coast who went through a divorce several years ago (she left him due to his uncontrolled mental illness being a threat to her and her kids) invited a huge assortment of women who had been through or were going through divorces on a great trip through France. I took her up on the Paris leg of it since that's the most (rather more) that I could get away for. It just happens to IMMEDIATELY precede my move. By about two days. STRESS!
I am trying a little bit of meditation today. D12 texted me this morning to say what time they'd get home and I said back that I couldn't wait to give her a big hug. She said "me neither." That got me thinking about what it's been like for the kids to be sick while with their dad and his family. From the looks of it, there hasn't been a TON of nurturing and when I said I was sad not to be there to rub their backs, etc., the looks on their faces told me that they hadn't been getting enough of it.
So when I think about it... I don't actually want to live in that environment anymore. I feel anger still, but I'm wondering how much of that is anger because I haven't sufficiently valued myself and allowed myself to be entangled in a situation where I was devalued.
Finding those cards where he said how much he loved me, though, complicates that. I had no reason to think it was a bad decision. What may have been a bad decision was not taking more definitive action when I began to feel mistreated. But even that was murky -- and what would I have done? He wasn't reachable, and I did say I wanted to be closer, to do various things, and he would agree to them, make a bit of an effort for two weeks, and then revert back to the same patterns. In fact, he even commented on that cycle in MC and the therapist (lovely man) said that I was chasing him. That is unfair. I had a right to say my needs weren't met. I wasn't chasing him -- I was objecting to being absolutely ignored, full time, by my HUSBAND. Not saying we needed to be glued at the hip but that wasn't what I was asking for. I was asking for closeness and connection.
OK.
I sat in a state of brief meditation this morning and I can feel there is an absolute storm going on in my body. Tension in my shoulders and neck. Pain in my heart. Anger in my gut -- HOT. Tears come to my eyes when I focus on the pain in my heart. So today is a day when a lot of this stuff gets processed. I'm sorry for the post-bombing but it's good to put it here, I type way faster than I can write in my journal.
It is no wonder my BP is up. I'm worried about my kids and sad that I wasn't with them when they were so sick. Which brought the experience of being dumped like a bag of rocks back to the front of my mind. Which makes me aware of how angry I am with STBX and how unworthy he was in those last years -- how HE chose to tank the marriage. Over what? I'm not really sure. It's like real life scares him maybe?
I had a dream several months ago that he had locked himself in an empty room with a chair and an xBox and I wanted to save him from being alone in there. I knocked and knocked but he wouldn't come to the door. I could feel that he wanted to but wouldn't leave the chair. And finally, in the dream I had to give up and walk away. It was a very sad feeling.
I feel anger in my belly. True, honest anger, a kind I feel like is different than what I've expressed before. Before when I vented it was more like outrage and resentment. This is very different. And I want to cry, deeply. But where before I used to be able to weep and sob, today it feels blocked. I just have tears here and there seeping out, no matter how I try to let down my guard and just cry and be done with it. And yes, I do feel fear, and all things considered that's totally reasonable. I'd be nuts not to. I would like to feel those things that I feel, and express and acknowledge them, and move forward. I guess I'm partly afraid of the power of those feelings.
His mother asked me a few weeks ago if she could come and stay with us, because D12 wants her to help design her room. I said yes. I thought about it and decided, I could stand it if I told her in advance that they could stay with me as long as they understood that their son is not welcome in my house longer than pick ups and drop offs.
When I think about it, though, I'm not sure I can stand seeing them that much. I don't want them to stay in my house. I can't help but hold them slightly responsible for his choices. His mother told him it was better for him to move out so the kids weren't raised in an unhappy home. (No mention of the possibility of working to become happy BEFORE you torch the family; no question of whether his behavior was above reproach). His parents raised a self-absorbed LIAR. That is not a harsh word. It is the absolute truth that he will lie his way out of a paper bag if he thinks it will get him the smallest thing he wants. I can't help but partly hold them responsible for that because of stories I know about things he got away with as a kid. (And his dad was bragging about how STBX's younger brother was taking care of his family -- as if that weren't a minimum requirement for a guy in his late 30's).
I can't have people who I find so infuriating staying overnight in my house. That is too much to ask. At least at this stage. His mother can help D12 with her room because that's for my daughter, but they can stay with him or get a hotel. I won't have it.
Wow, I've had a lot pent up in me.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
-- Paris -- New house in a new neighborhood where my neighbors will be closer together -- Decorating my new house the way I want to -- Eventually having a job where I can grow and maybe even be valued and not told a trained chimp could do my job -- Control over my finances, the ability to make actual goals and enjoy achieving them
OK, here is where I'm having trouble. I find I'm saying these things but I don't feel them in my heart. This is a problem.
-- Making new, close friends -- Finding a new relationship with someone worthy in which I am actually loved and appreciated -- Running another half marathon without carrying the weight of my failing marriage with me for 13 miles. -- Maybe even having someone to run with for those 13 miles -- Exploring new goals and desires that I've back-burnered or maybe haven't even discovered yet
I'm wallowing. I need to look forward and see the potential and excitement and happiness that is waiting for me. Believe that people who say they are my friends really ARE my friends and take them at their word. Pick myself up and enjoy my life, which may be a bit thorny right now, but I'm almost through the hedge. Now is not the time to falter.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
