Maybell XXXVI: Moving Day

[Maybell]

Yep. Paris. A friend from the west coast who went through a divorce several years ago (she left him due to his uncontrolled mental illness being a threat to her and her kids) invited a huge assortment of women who had been through or were going through divorces on a great trip through France. I took her up on the Paris leg of it since that's the most (rather more) that I could get away for. It just happens to IMMEDIATELY precede my move. By about two days. STRESS!

I am trying a little bit of meditation today. D12 texted me this morning to say what time they'd get home and I said back that I couldn't wait to give her a big hug. She said "me neither." That got me thinking about what it's been like for the kids to be sick while with their dad and his family. From the looks of it, there hasn't been a TON of nurturing and when I said I was sad not to be there to rub their backs, etc., the looks on their faces told me that they hadn't been getting enough of it.

So when I think about it... I don't actually want to live in that environment anymore. I feel anger still, but I'm wondering how much of that is anger because I haven't sufficiently valued myself and allowed myself to be entangled in a situation where I was devalued.

Finding those cards where he said how much he loved me, though, complicates that. I had no reason to think it was a bad decision. What may have been a bad decision was not taking more definitive action when I began to feel mistreated. But even that was murky -- and what would I have done? He wasn't reachable, and I did say I wanted to be closer, to do various things, and he would agree to them, make a bit of an effort for two weeks, and then revert back to the same patterns. In fact, he even commented on that cycle in MC and the therapist (lovely man) said that I was chasing him. That is unfair. I had a right to say my needs weren't met. I wasn't chasing him -- I was objecting to being absolutely ignored, full time, by my HUSBAND. Not saying we needed to be glued at the hip but that wasn't what I was asking for. I was asking for closeness and connection.

OK.

I sat in a state of brief meditation this morning and I can feel there is an absolute storm going on in my body. Tension in my shoulders and neck. Pain in my heart. Anger in my gut -- HOT. Tears come to my eyes when I focus on the pain in my heart. So today is a day when a lot of this stuff gets processed. I'm sorry for the post-bombing but it's good to put it here, I type way faster than I can write in my journal.

It is no wonder my BP is up. I'm worried about my kids and sad that I wasn't with them when they were so sick. Which brought the experience of being dumped like a bag of rocks back to the front of my mind. Which makes me aware of how angry I am with STBX and how unworthy he was in those last years -- how HE chose to tank the marriage. Over what? I'm not really sure. It's like real life scares him maybe?

I had a dream several months ago that he had locked himself in an empty room with a chair and an xBox and I wanted to save him from being alone in there. I knocked and knocked but he wouldn't come to the door. I could feel that he wanted to but wouldn't leave the chair. And finally, in the dream I had to give up and walk away. It was a very sad feeling.

I feel anger in my belly. True, honest anger, a kind I feel like is different than what I've expressed before. Before when I vented it was more like outrage and resentment. This is very different. And I want to cry, deeply. But where before I used to be able to weep and sob, today it feels blocked. I just have tears here and there seeping out, no matter how I try to let down my guard and just cry and be done with it. And yes, I do feel fear, and all things considered that's totally reasonable. I'd be nuts not to. I would like to feel those things that I feel, and express and acknowledge them, and move forward. I guess I'm partly afraid of the power of those feelings.

His mother asked me a few weeks ago if she could come and stay with us, because D12 wants her to help design her room. I said yes. I thought about it and decided, I could stand it if I told her in advance that they could stay with me as long as they understood that their son is not welcome in my house longer than pick ups and drop offs.

When I think about it, though, I'm not sure I can stand seeing them that much. I don't want them to stay in my house. I can't help but hold them slightly responsible for his choices. His mother told him it was better for him to move out so the kids weren't raised in an unhappy home. (No mention of the possibility of working to become happy BEFORE you torch the family; no question of whether his behavior was above reproach). His parents raised a self-absorbed LIAR. That is not a harsh word. It is the absolute truth that he will lie his way out of a paper bag if he thinks it will get him the smallest thing he wants. I can't help but partly hold them responsible for that because of stories I know about things he got away with as a kid. (And his dad was bragging about how STBX's younger brother was taking care of his family -- as if that weren't a minimum requirement for a guy in his late 30's).

I can't have people who I find so infuriating staying overnight in my house. That is too much to ask. At least at this stage. His mother can help D12 with her room because that's for my daughter, but they can stay with him or get a hotel. I won't have it.

Wow, I've had a lot pent up in me.