TLEE86 Part IV

[TLEE86]

Beagley, Bravo, HeavyD- thank you. It was a really rough night and continues to be as I face the reality of it.

WW actually called me this morning and we talked for about an hour. I just told her I was proud of her for getting her own car all by herself and everything and she seemed pretty happy about herself with doing it herself- as she should be, her first real big decision and she made it.

I did bring up whether or not she was planning on filing, and she said it is something that she plans to do, but she knows that if she does it will affect both of us- meaning I would have to go find another house and I would take a pay cut, and she would lose benefits and stuff.

But I told her W, I don't want to stay married because of benefits or forcing me to move, I want to stay married because we want to stay married not because of what it can offer. And I told her that she knows where I stand on our M and I know where she stands, but I told her that I feel like we never gave our M a chance, and that for the 3.5 years we've been married, I was gone for 13months with deployment and Ranger School and we've been separated for 10months so we never were really together long, that its easy for us to go live separate lives but at some point, we've both been through 2 marriages in less than 7 years...and that for me, its time to start looking at myself instead of the other person.

And she just told me that well maybe we can discuss all those things when I get up there. And I asked her if she would consider a mediator, not necessarily to figure out how to split things, but to help us figure out if this is the right path for both of us, knowing that she also likes to shut off when we have deeper conversations so the mediator will help there too. And she said she'd think about it.
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I guess the advice I am asking for from all of you is, without a mediator, what am I even supposed to talk to her about? If there even is anything to talk about....I feel like every things been said, and that it will just be me saying how i feel about the M, and she will say how she feels, and that will be it. There wont be anyone there to ask the hard questions of..is this the right path, did we really give this marriage everything, etc etc. It will just be a he-said she-said. But she's wanting to talk about things, but Im not sure if she's really wanting to talk, or just discuss the steps that we will be taking in the future...im trying to face that my marriage is really over...and that the "reality" that hits her...may not exactly be a bad one. But then again, she hasn't even made a car payment yet on her car, or done any of these things, so she really hasn't quite had to experience "the consequences of leaving."

I just don't know what we would even discuss.