Co dependency H Affair poor boundaries oh My

[mustardseed]

Thanks Zeus!! I am so glad U are so straight forward that is what I need! You are right I have been to lazy and unwilling to change! I'm scared of change And scared of losing everything! You are right that is exactly the pattern and he does call me craZy! I need to accept that I can create my own happiness! I think I am overwhelmed by taking on all those fears at one time! So Let's start with one! I will look back and decide today what one I should focus on! The big picture is emotional independence but I need to work towards that baby steps! I have thought many times why do I keep going back? I have people tell me I am the only person who will put up with him! They are right I deserve respect and that is not what I am getting! I am just plain scared of what life will be like making all these changes! Will he grow up and follow me? What if he doesn't?! I am just scared to death! I will look and think deep into what I can do to change these behaviors! Thanks again zeus

I felt the same way and I understand your fears. The thing is you can't hold on to a wave--and that is what I was trying to do. The more I tried to hang on, the worst things got and I ended up losing EVERYTHING in one awful night. Everything I was afraid of losing was gone. And after that the goal was to start getting back the things that were most important and honestly once that process started I started to feel like I was getting back control over my life. Before I didn't have control, and that was what the fear was--that was what made me hold on for dear life. But life (and an awful H) kept trying to shake me off until they succeeded.

Things are going to change. They have to for your life to get better, and there is nothing you can do about it. Somethings are going to have be lost, but chances are those are the things that you will be better off without anyway.
The fear of something is often worse than the thing itself.

I remember when my son was young and he wanted to do the monkey bars, but he was so afraid of falling that he would end up just hanging there. Finally, one day I had him go on the bars and told him to just drop--just let go. He did, realized that dropping from the monkey bars wasn't such a scary thing, and the next time he got up there he was able to make it across. He had conquered his fears. I think that is what I am going through right now. I was forced to let go--I felt what life was like when everything I thought I wanted was gone--and it made me realize which parts of that life are worth getting back. I don't know how I would have handled things if I let go and let things happen when I felt I still had control over things. Maybe I couldn't have learned the lessons I am learning if things went in a more civil way. Or maybe things would have moved along and I would have gradually ended up in the same place I am heading. I know for me, I always need a huge wake up call to make a change because I have always been so resistant. The last time I went through what I call a TOWER MOMENT (I tarot reference) it paved the way for me to grow up and start my adult life--I met H and we had two beautiful children and had at least 10 happy years together (best of my life so far I think)--and 3 not so happy--and the last 2 quite awful. And it had ended in yet another tower moment. I am hoping the next phase of my life will bring some even more wonderful things.