Those specific threads were not written with the intentions to cause a LBH to feel more confident, nor defeated. The purpose of the threads was to inform. Knowledge is power. A LBH can be so blindsided by the WW that he can waste precious time doing what he really needs to do when faced with a WW.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
And the other shoe dropped today, during her drive back from MD she wanted to talk about the R and aobut moving out...etc about to split the stuff. I knew that this week was just a fluke and I was hoping it wouldn't be. I almost confronted her about her runaway weekend but held back as it really wouldn't help anything and I still need to talk to a lawyer this week.
I'm so conflicted right now, I know with the information about he weekend I could most likely get a divorce ASAP if that is what I want. I just dont know what I want. I tried doing the goals from the DR and I wasn't able to get specific enough with my goals.
Everytime I think I'm detached enough I'm not as soon as my hope gets up you know?
I might call today but can't do it right now when she is home.
I've been doing very well with this detached stuff and basically a lot of Sandi's rules, being confident, wearing cologne...etc not contacting first, not pushing...etc
Last night she got mad because I had scheduled for carpet cleaners to come today and she was upset because why am I doing all this stuff now...etc and stormed upstairs. Later on I explained to her I wrote a list of thigns to do for the house and as I'm just trying to get things done 1 or 2 per pay period. (I should have just ignored her all the rest of the night but I was foolish and let her draw me in). So at this point she goes into full attack mode accusing me of getting our sons arm broken on purpose as a way of keeping her there (In know in my mind that his is her guilt talking that she was with the OM instead of here with our son) I told her I would never hurt our son like that and I hope she knows that. So then she switches tactics and tells me I should move out of the house since now she can't move with our son's arm broken, I said I am not going to move out she is the one who wants to end the marital relationship and start a new life. She reminds me a few months ago I had suggested I woud move into an apartment or something I simply stated I have changed my mind.
Keep in mind at this point I am super calm super detached, no sadness or anger or anything. I wasn't bawling like a baby at her vicious remarks. So then she tries somethign else she told me she liked me better when I was suicidal (a few weeks ago I admitted to her in the end of June when she was on one of her rampages I called the suicide hotline and they helped me not do somethign crazy).
I know I know "dont believe anythign she says and only 50% of what she does" but damned if that was messed up of her to say. 1. thinks I got our sons arm broken on purpose?????? 2. wishes I was suicidal still?
She continues on about her wanting to leave for a week, maybe she would go back home to illinois by herself she says even though a few days ago she said she wouldn't want to leave out son for that long. I said yeah right you mean florida. she says what's that supposed to mean, I told her that when I suggested she go to illinois to see her grandma without out son that was some type of impossbility. But now she can't wait to be gone for a week?
At this point I told her a few things: 1. I'm not moving out, I will continue to fix up the house and maybe we'll sell it when it's all done but I'm not leaving 2. I'm not moving out the bedroom if she wants to do that, that is her choice to make
Talking to a DB coach would probably give you a lot of encouragement. What I have to say may not sound too encouraging to some newcomer LBH's, but I am giving information from the viewpoint from the WW, hoping to help in that way.
You did an excellent job of holding your ground about not moving out of the house. As you saw for yourself, if you do not give the emotional response she's seeking, she'll hit lower.
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Keep in mind at this point I am super calm super detached, no sadness or anger or anything. I wasn't bawling like a baby at her vicious remarks. So then she tries somethign else she told me she liked me better when I was suicidal
Prime example, when she says she liked you better suicidal. That indicates just how cold-hearted and how far below the belt a WW will hit.
She is actually challenging you. She sees herself being the stronger person, and sees you being the emotional and weaker one. She's simply taking advantage of your emotions and attacking when your defenses are down (or so she thought).
She has been the one yanking you around. So, first few times she sees you calm and showing no emotion, she becomes like a charging bull. She wants to hold her place of power, so to speak. In other words, when she sees you falling apart, it assures her that you are very much emotionally attached and in the palm of her hand....and she is the one in charge of the stitch. I know this sounds "sick", but it is part of the very ugly side of the WW.
The WW has lost respect for her H. She will display that disrespect in her bad behavior and treatment of him. Before they will ever stand a chance of R, he will have to turn things around and be a man who will not be pushed around (emotionally, financially, by threats, or other bullying tactics) by his WW. He will not allow his fear to control his decisions. She will see him standing tall, being decisive, calm, & collected. If she disrespects him (or dishonors his boundaries), she sees some type of a consequence. (Examples would be that he may call her out about it. He may walk out of the room, hang up the phone, or drive away. It should be something that she sees being a consequence for dishonoring his boundary......depending on what the boundary is.)
At first, she may get really mad at him. Which is nothing new, b/c the LBH cannot please a WW, or "nice" her back into the MR. If he decides to stand up to her......then she's pi$$ed. If he won't back down, and she sees that she can't bully him......she begins to respect him as a man (although she won't admit it to him). She has to start respecting him as man before she can be attracted to him and want to think about him as a H.
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I told her I would never hurt our son like that and I hope she knows that. So then she switches tactics and tells me I should move out of the house since now she can't move with our son's arm broken,
Another example of a WW's craziness. Let me encourage you to not bother trying to reason with her. Don't even bother to defend yourself when she throws these crazy accusations at you. You know the truth.....and so does she. You did not have defend yourself about the son getting his arm broken. In case such as this (next time), just look at her and say, "We both know the truth". Then walk away from her and don't engage further. Sometimes a H's serious and steady look in the face of his WW, will hit home better than words.
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She continues on about her wanting to leave for a week, maybe she would go back home to illinois by herself she says even though a few days ago she said she wouldn't want to leave out son for that long. I said yeah right you mean florida. she says what's that supposed to mean, I told her that when I suggested she go to illinois to see her grandma without out son that was some type of impossbility. But now she can't wait to be gone for a week?
This is more of the WW craziness and instead of engaging, you need to walk away. Leave the house if she won't stop, but don't allow her to pull you into the loony bin. You cannot reason with a WW b/c her mind is incapable of thinking logically. She will not operate out of logic, b/c everything is based on her emotions at that moment in time.
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At this point I told her a few things: 1. I'm not moving out, I will continue to fix up the house and maybe we'll sell it when it's all done but I'm not leaving 2. I'm not moving out the bedroom if she wants to do that, that is her choice to make
Good for you!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Please take this in. Have a look at my sitch and NDY's and you'll see how we are slowly getting to this point. It feels wrong. Why would you do something that could potentially (as it looks) push her further away, but you've got to see that she's done at the minute, so, you can't push her towards you, you have to draw her back.
I've had a manic couple of days. I've had a bit of a backslide - disapointed with myself to be honest, but, back on the horse now.
Also, stock up on STFU smoothies - they really come in handy when you want to blow.
Keep posting. You'll get a couple of regular followers and they will help you enormously.
Chin up!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
She ended up aplogizing over text saying she was just being mean and she is an idiot and a mess, she claims all she meant was she liked me better when i was sad (well of course you did!)
we were civil at home but I didn't go out of my way to see how she was doing or anything. I hung out with our son and did my own thing.
She likes you sad! Typical WAS. It's about control. She's got you where she wants you when you're needy and vulnerable. You'd do anything for her, right? You've got to be the man who (inside at least) says 'enough is enough' and don't take it.
This is really difficult, I know (well, we all know) but your WAS has got to feel some hurt as well.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
