HI Zeus. You are right I want to do anything to change the dynamics right now. I am getting frustrated to fast. Be still. I think I am still in the hoping to see results fast. I need to put up post it notes everywhere saying patience!!!! Being still is so hard because i am on an emotional rollercoaster. I went from upset about the call to fine after he gave me a hug. I need to even out. DETATCH. I swear that part is easier not living together. But I do not want to move out because that will only cause more distance. So save and be still it is. I picked up an extra 20 hours next week so a little savings after uncle sam takes the majority. But it will be a pedicure and savings. ACT AS IF I am saving to leave.
How do their actions affect me or make me feel....Angry! It makes me hurt when he does not spend time with the kids but will go with her. It makes me sad not only for me but for them. Can I control this? Only If I let OW be around the kids which is not an option. I do not want to control that part of his life he is free to make his own choices but I do not want the kids in the middle.
Insecurities-It makes me insecure about saving this relationship when the A has lasted this long. The arguing makes me feel like everyday I am closer to being forced out of the house. I feel like it pushes this further from fixable. I feel like the pursuing allows this situation to be ok. He does not have to face reality as long as he can have fun with OW and I keep household held down.
I am scared to split things or say no because I feel like he holds all of the cards. I need to put myself in a situation where he does not hold all the cards. Everything we own is in his name. It scares me to no end to rock the boat by setting boundaries.
I tend to just push the pain down and let it bottle up until I cause a fight which causes more distance and threats of making me leave.
Vicious cycle- I expect him to be honest and not lie to me about what he is doing/or ask if he can do something as it typically involves me watching kids and I do not deserve to be told he is doing x and being expected to watch kids. This causes me to become angry by what he is doing which causes a fight which in turn makes him want to lie and fight and repeat.
I fear losing the roof over my head, splitting this family up, I fear the uncertain, I am a planner I want to know exactly what is next. i fear losing control of my life and all in it.
Is this what you are thinking Zeus? If so This is something I want to keep working on and look more into. I guess I never looked at it this way! Is keeping the kids out of controling? or responsible? I feel responsible but also a little controling.
I MUST learn to control my emotions and learn to deal with them. I have always been one to push them aside until I can not anymore!
If this is not what you were thinking please keep helping me to figure it out. This is probably one of the most important steps for me!
