Co dependency H Affair poor boundaries oh My

[Zues126]

4...

1. DO NOTHING. The decision about whether to move out or not move out should not be made right now. You are all over the map and extremely emotional. This is NOT the time to make life changing decisions. You have time to learn to be still. Many times people are so distressed they feel they have to do ANYTHING to try to change things. Some even burn bridges with their WAS to KILL the M just to try to "get out of limbo". They end up living a life of regrets, and the worst part is they don't feel any better because there is no getting around the grieving. Wherever you go, there you are. You can run, but you can't hide. It's going to hurt. Take it on the chin, and sit with the pain. But DON'T make life decisions, and DON'T provoke WAH into making them either. Just *****BE STILL********.

2. DETACHMENT. Emotional independence. Goal- to reach a point in your world where you can enjoy your days REGARDLESS of what WAH, OW, or anyone else does. If a waiter treated you rudely, would it wreck your day? No. You need to get to the point where you feel that way about WAH.

Really detachment is your most important goal. The do nothing is just there so you don't destroy your universe until you achieve detachment.

How to get there? You've already described a bit about what WAH and OW do that derail you from your sense of inner peace. OK. Fine. But that's focusing on their behavior which you can't control. Most of what you're talking about is trying to figure out ways to bring WAH back and make OW leave. That won't work. You have to control YOU.

Why don't you talk more about how those behaviors makes you feel, what fears and insecurities it wakes up within you, and how you've handled (or not handled) that pain when you feel it.

By spending more time reflecting on YOUR feelings and behavior in reaction to those feelings you will start to see patterns. Vicious cycles. Limiting beliefs. Immature controlling behavior. Etc.

Those can be tough to change, but when you take the time to reflect and start to see the connection between YOUR behavior/beliefs and the hell you're currently in you'll find you have the strength to do it.

So, just to make it really easy, here's the recap. 1. DO NOTHING. 2. DETACH. 3. Realize 100% of your pain is coming from YOUR beliefs/behavior, and that the only reason you should even mention WAH/OW's actions is to see what it wakes up within YOU so you can learn to better deal with it.

[Zues126]

You ML Sunday?? so you are nonverbally letting him know its ok to have OW on the side and you on the other? Stop doing that ... like yesterday.

start pulling back and letting your H really FEEL what life will be like without you.

PS- Cali- I agree with 100% of what you wrote. 100%.

My only concern is that 4my needs a 911 dose of detachment. How WAH interprets ML, how he feels about life without her, frankly...I don't know she's in a place where she should even worry about that, because she's already too hung up on that and I think she'd end up continuing to try to control how WAH feels, what he does, etc.

For that reason I say don't sweat the dynamics of the dance just yet, and just put your focus on you, your 180s, GAL, and detachment.

[Azzork]

You ML Sunday?? so you are nonverbally letting him know its ok to have OW on the side and you on the other? Stop doing that ... like yesterday.

start pulling back and letting your H really FEEL what life will be like without you.

PS- Cali- I agree with 100% of what you wrote. 100%.

My only concern is that 4my needs a 911 dose of detachment. How WAH interprets ML, how he feels about life without her, frankly...I don't know she's in a place where she should even worry about that, because she's already too hung up on that and I think she'd end up continuing to try to control how WAH feels, what he does, etc.

For that reason I say don't sweat the dynamics of the dance just yet, and just put your focus on you, your 180s, GAL, and detachment.

But I think that you would both agree that ML at this point is probably not going to help anything.

[Zues126]

I just don't feel like it's a top priority. If she tries to stop ML before she is detached she might end up doing it in a punishing or manipulative way...or she might try to set a boundary, then backslide because she can't enforce it, and send messages that she's a complete walk over.

I think if she detaches and gets stronger the time will come when she can set and manage boundaries that feel right to her, not trying to follow some forum advice to try to control WAH.

So 4, when you're ready to set that boundary, I think it's a reasonable one. First thing- get ready.

[rdy2chg]

Caliguy thanks for stopping by. I have read both DR and DB i am working back through DR at this time. I re-read over the affair parts the other day. I truly am trying and I understand this is going to be one hel! of a hard road. You are right I am showing it is ok to have both. Not at all what I want to show. I need to detatch 100% and just not let him bother me. I feel like I have GAL this week. I went from sitting at home moping all day after work everyday to Monday took girls to D7's moms without him (hence the fight) Tuesday nothing. Wednesday worked and then helped him in the garage (one of his complaints is that I do not ever go out there) Thursday IC, park with D7 & 8, then races an hour away. He drove truck and trailer with friend I left half hour later with D8. He went to pits with car and we went to stands. He text me where he started and I simply said good luck and we are proud of. Tonight I came home relaxed 3 hours took D8 to fair and subway he is out fishing with same friend and his dad. Now home ready for bed. Next week I am working 52 hours (20 more than usual). I am sure I will not feel like doing anything after working that much housework kids and meals. I will be ready for early bed but that will leave him to take care of kids. I did ask him to watch my daughter this weekend as I am working extra hours he agreed even though I did not think he would. my 180 for today is when he started saying he hasnt seen OW in a while I started to say you just saw her thursday and wanted to argue but instead I just said nevermind I need to go bye and hung up! No need to argue. I did let him give me a long hug today as he offered and then he said he would make time next week to do something together. I didnt argue. he thanked me for all I do. Thanks again Cali I can use all the help I can get

[rdy2chg]

HI Zeus. You are right I want to do anything to change the dynamics right now. I am getting frustrated to fast. Be still. I think I am still in the hoping to see results fast. I need to put up post it notes everywhere saying patience!!!! Being still is so hard because i am on an emotional rollercoaster. I went from upset about the call to fine after he gave me a hug. I need to even out. DETATCH. I swear that part is easier not living together. But I do not want to move out because that will only cause more distance. So save and be still it is. I picked up an extra 20 hours next week so a little savings after uncle sam takes the majority. But it will be a pedicure and savings. ACT AS IF I am saving to leave.

How do their actions affect me or make me feel....Angry! It makes me hurt when he does not spend time with the kids but will go with her. It makes me sad not only for me but for them. Can I control this? Only If I let OW be around the kids which is not an option. I do not want to control that part of his life he is free to make his own choices but I do not want the kids in the middle.

Insecurities-It makes me insecure about saving this relationship when the A has lasted this long. The arguing makes me feel like everyday I am closer to being forced out of the house. I feel like it pushes this further from fixable. I feel like the pursuing allows this situation to be ok. He does not have to face reality as long as he can have fun with OW and I keep household held down.

I am scared to split things or say no because I feel like he holds all of the cards. I need to put myself in a situation where he does not hold all the cards. Everything we own is in his name. It scares me to no end to rock the boat by setting boundaries.

I tend to just push the pain down and let it bottle up until I cause a fight which causes more distance and threats of making me leave.

Vicious cycle- I expect him to be honest and not lie to me about what he is doing/or ask if he can do something as it typically involves me watching kids and I do not deserve to be told he is doing x and being expected to watch kids. This causes me to become angry by what he is doing which causes a fight which in turn makes him want to lie and fight and repeat.

I fear losing the roof over my head, splitting this family up, I fear the uncertain, I am a planner I want to know exactly what is next. i fear losing control of my life and all in it.

Is this what you are thinking Zeus? If so This is something I want to keep working on and look more into. I guess I never looked at it this way! Is keeping the kids out of controling? or responsible? I feel responsible but also a little controling.

I MUST learn to control my emotions and learn to deal with them. I have always been one to push them aside until I can not anymore!

If this is not what you were thinking please keep helping me to figure it out. This is probably one of the most important steps for me!

[rdy2chg]

AZZORk I totally agree it does not help anything. Only makes me feel like I have some sick control. Like if he is sleeping with me so he can not be in love with her. But I also agree with Zeus unfortunantly I will admit I am not sure I am strong enough to set that boundary and stick to it. I do not want to make excuses or make anyone feel like I am not willing to do what it takes because I am. I just have so many emotions still that I personally need to deal with before I will be strong enough to set boundaries. Feel free to keep throwing me ideas though i am willing to try anything to get myself to a point where I am strong enough. I need to move forward not stay stuck for my own sanity! Thanks for stopping by and reading my thread. Any help you can give is greatly appreciated.

[rdy2chg]

Zeus I loved reading 911 detatchment! that is exactly what I need. I need to detatch and become stronger. I need work on not being scared of upsetting the situation by showing myself respect. I deserve respect, happiness and a healthy relationship with honesty faithfullness happiness and trust. I am not getting any of that from this right now. I need to keep moving forward. One day at a time! Tomorrow D8 and I will be attending races to watch him race but we will be on opposite sides and I am not going just to watch him I was going to skip but D keeps begging to go so we will make it a me and her night in the grandstands wave when he races and i will simply reply ok when he texts me the line up nothing more. I think I need to start journaling my feelings instead of progress. Maybe that will help me to see patterns. Thanks everyone for all of your input I hope to continue getting support/input. It means a lot to me. I want to do anything I can to save myself and my family.

[Zues126]

Some very insightful posts. Make sure to reread these posts a few times. You'd think it's impossible to forget, but with everything on your mind it's hard to keep these thoughts at the front.

So the pattern is that you continue to expect your WAH to act differently than he has for many months and years, then feel betrayed when he doesn't. And then instead of changing anything yourself, you bottle the pain, and throw yourself back at him and hope THIS is the time he does things differently, with each new 'betrayal' hurting more because it's on top of old wounds and you feel he doesn't understand the depths of the pain you've endured in the name of love for him. Finally you can't take it anymore so you try to force him to change his behavior by blowing up at him. This in turn just allows him to dismiss you like you're crazy and drives him away farther.

Brutal pattern. If there's one thing I want you to see it's that continuing to recommit to someone that keeps hurting you isn't an act of love...it's an act of dependence and laziness. You're not recommitting simply because you love him. You're recommitting because you've been too lazy to pull your crap together and take full responsibility for your own life, happiness, and emotions.

Would you agree with this pattern? Any adjustments to that summary? And more importantly- how might you be able to break that pattern?

Keep posting. This is the beginning of a tough road, but it can't be tougher than the road you've been walking and will get you somewhere you want to be for sure.

[Sotto]

Hi 4mykid. I think Zues has offered some incredibly insightful advice for you here. I hope you will read it very carefully, read it again and think deeply about what this means for you and your life going forward.

It sounds as though there are opportunities for you to change both yourself and the dynamic in your R here. But this isn't by any means an easy road. You will have to dig deep, but with time and commitment, it is possible.

Best wishes, Toots x