The classic mistake that LBS make is "if I go too dark, they will really stop the pursuit." Heck we all think that way. Sometimes doing nothing is the best answer.
Yeah Heavy... and I keep wondering that, too. Might be true, but again, my DB coach doesn't believe that going dark is the answer as long as we are tethered and technically in the same house.
So I feel like I need to at least acknowledge her. And I did, with a text that said work has been crazy, I'm busy this weekend, maybe we can connect on Sunday... but if not, it will be a while before I'm available. No response yet, but the fact is... I'm detached from the outcome of this text. No expectations. If she responds, fine. If not, fine. Not expecting her to. Don't like who she is right now anyway, so... it's a phantom woman I love and want to hear from. Such long odds all over the place.
As far as the kids are concerned... it's funny. She LOVED them, really... still does somewhere deep inside, I'm sure. Had some concerns and criticisms over the past few years, of course. But last year, she was in Afghanistan for her 40th birthday. I was bummed about this, as I had plans to throw her a big party that day with friends from all around the world. It wasn't to be, so instead, I asked all those friends to write her letters, and that was to be my gift to her. So many beautiful letters... and this one, from my younger son, almost 17 at the time, was perhaps my favorite:
"Dear E,
"Over the first 12 years of my life, I saw my mom go through some bad relationships. Not a lot, but the one with my dad was really rough. And then two women who would take advantage of her, take her money, treat her like crap, and play with her heart. Those relationships didn't affect us much other than the fact that our mom was obviously hurt, but one verbally abused us. I got to dreading any new relationship my mother would find herself in.
"This trend, of course, ended once you showed up. Not only have you taken care of my mom, but you have also taken care of S20 and me and treated us as if we were your own kids no questions asked. Ever since we’ve met you, you have been here for us, taken care of us, and loved us unconditionally (you even tried to teach me boxing, however short-lived that may have been).
"All I ask for is to have someone that will love and take care of my mother, but you go above and beyond. And for that, I love you with all my heart and hope you can return from Afghanistan as soon as possible.
"Love, S18
My mom reminded me of this letter last week. When I read it again, it brought me to tears.
Sigh.
Anyway... I have already made peace with the fact that my W has a lot of things going on with her new apartment and the OW's new house this and next month. A lot of busyness, and lot of "happiness." This will go on for quite some time. I fear, as you imply, Heavy, that the more I back off, and the more she gets enmeshed in all this, the worse my chances are for ever getting to the point of reconciliation. I know I need to stay the course and become a better version of the woman she left who, frankly, wasn't so bad to begin with. But can I compete? She is becoming so entangled with this woman now. Every day I feel like I'm losing that battle, even as I fight to just become a better me.
Wish I could buy you that drink too, Heavy. I think we'd be good friends.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
