...Problem with the 50-50 stat .. thats out of all marriages right? So people who come here obviously are more towards that 50% D group already as more than likely the WAS is already checked out...
Thank you for your comments CallGuy.
Are you saying that most if not everybody has a WAS when they come here? That wasn't necessarily my impression, the crux of the point originally made was that there's a bias toward accepting the D will happen and that this doesn't echo the text of the DR book.
You are 100% right in saying that you save yourself first and that this site is an invaluable resource for many, many people.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
It is a given that you don't believe anything that your WAS says and 50% of their actions, but what about your grown up children? If they are saying to give it up and go and find someone else because your WAS, that they are in reasonably consistent contact with, has "moved on and you'd be better off without her"?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
It is a given that you don't believe anything that your WAS says and 50% of their actions, but what about your grown up children? If they are saying to give it up and go and find someone else because your WAS, that they are in reasonably consistent contact with, has "moved on and you'd be better off without her"?
What does "moving on" look like to you? Do you believe you are capable of a healthy relationship with someone else yet?
I am going to wait many months, possibly a year or so before opening the door to someone else as I want that R to be for the right reasons and with me in tip-top shape mentally and physically to ensure it has every chance of lasting for the rest of our lifetime and is something very special.
Did you ask the question, to prompt me to think about whether she has really moved on or is putting an act on for the kids and others around her?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Did you ask the question, to prompt me to think about whether she has really moved on or is putting an act on for the kids and others around her?
No. I asked you that question to get you to understand that the steps that you are taking through this process are EXACTLY the same steps you would take if you were to move on to a new healthy relationship.
It's all how you look at things, read this short poem, doing the rounds on FB:
Today was the absolute worst day ever And don‘t try to convince me that There's something good In every day Because, when you take a closer look This world is a pretty evil place. Even if Some goodness does shine through once in a while Satisfaction and happiness don‘t last And it's not true that It's all in the mind and heart Because True happiness can be obtained Only if one‘s surroundings are good It's not true that good exists I am sure you can agree that The reality Creates My attitude It's all beyond my control And you'll never in a million years hear me say that Today was a good day
Now read it from the bottom up.
Same words completely different meaning and it's how we should all think when things don't look good or seem to be heading in the wrong direction, maybe you simply need to look and think through things again as there might be some positives we simply can't see them because we aren't looking at them from the right perspective.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
[quote=Beagley] No. I asked you that question to get you to understand that the steps that you are taking through this process are EXACTLY the same steps you would take if you were to move on to a new healthy relationship.
OK, so I am being a bit thick here, the question asked was about a variation of a metric that is often quoted on this BB, in other words do you treat everything close family and friends say with the same mindset as those for your WS?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
No. I asked you that question to get you to understand that the steps that you are taking through this process are EXACTLY the same steps you would take if you were to move on to a new healthy relationship.
OK, so I am being a bit thick here, the question asked was about a variation of a metric that is often quoted on this BB, in other words do you treat everything close family and friends say with the same mindset as those for your WS?
Regarding the specific question about the metric - if your W doesn't know how she's feeling. How can anyone else?
Regarding my point, I'm asking you whether it being "over" makes a difference. How does it being "over" change your path?
Agree with most of what has already been said. I personlly would ignore the first love BS line. That is irrelevant and frankyly immature. Let it run it's course. Step out of the way. Yes, it hurts like hell, but the more you act to stop it or the longer it will go on.
The DB process is indeed for you. Follow it. It will give you your self confidence back, your self esteem back and give you clearer insight into YOU which is who you will live with the rest of your life. Even if your marriage does not work out, it will be her loss. You will come out this horrible time a better person, an improved man, the better option.
Seriously, step back, give it time, work on yourself and let her do what she wants. You can't stop it even if you wanted to. And besides, why you do want to control another person? Bottom line, you can't. They have to make their own choices, own their own mistakes, etc...
Be the man God intended you to be, the wonderful, strong man who can weather adversity with integrity. You can do this.
Start today. Keep posting. Ignore the BS. Protect yourself.
I totally get the "let it run it's course" approach and am doing so by going dark plus working on me is a given as I am actively GAL. How things ultimately turn out is unknown and either way I will be fine due to DB'ing.
You also answered my question and it was staring me in the face really, if what the WW says can't be trusted then how can the grown up kids or other relatives form an opinion if they are basing it on what the WW is saying, which of course they largely will be.
My grownup kids are making me feel a little confused though as they are saying (one of them hasn't spoken to my W, his mum, since she left the house to be with the OM) that by not completely giving up on my M, because they say I should, I am choosing my W (who has made their life hell too) over them, which is difficult to deal with.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
