Thread for Prowl #2

[Matt777]

Finding out who the OM is has been worse than I could have imagined. It use to be a faceless man now he ha a face and everytime I close my eyes I see the pictures of them together. My imagination sees them being intimate. He has some of the things I wanted and could never do because I was busy working two jobs to take care of my family. He had a college degree and he has a great paying job. She's going to divorce me, leaving me broke with paying child support for 5 children and they'll walk into the sunset, with a nice home and financial security. Something I worked so hard to provide for my family.

It's so easy now to see how she can say ILYBINILWY. She's getting those butterflies and endorphins from him now. Of coarse she doesn't feel any love for me. This is honestly the most painful experience of my life. I feel like my life was a complete waste.

Prowl -
Its easy to see them living this happy life together, but thats just not how these situations play out. Life gets in the way. Its easy to live in a fairy tale land of roses and cotton candy and such when you first meet someone. Add to that the fact he is some knight in shining armor coming to save her from this life that she cant wait to get rid of. But, eventually, that rush will fade and they will have to start living an actual life and likely there wont be anything left. So yeah, it really really [censored] for you right now. But theres no point in picturing her riding off into the sunset, because it just isnt going to end up that way.

As for your life, you have so much going for you. You have 6 people that look up to you and need you to be there for them. There is nothing that any other man will have over you in their lives unless you let him. But all of those kids NEED you to be the man and father they deserve. Think about if each of them have 2 kids. And each of them have two kids. Thats FORTY TWO people that will be in this world because of YOU. And it just goes on from there. So your life is not a waste.

You have FIVE sons. Show them how to be a man that you will be proud of some day. Show them what it means to fight for your marriage and fight for the girl you love. Show them how you dont just give up when times are tough.

You can do it Prowl. Pick your head up and keep going. You get to decide the legacy you live - not OM.

[Prowl]

My W keeps asking for more distance and space. She refers to it as taking a 5 Mississippi... She says if she had time and space to sort through her feelings, and let some of the bad ones disipate, That things may get easier and better for us.

I feel that this is just an excuse to widen the gap between us. Or to minimalize our conversations. Does distance really make the heart grow fonder when there is still possibly a OM? Do women really need their space?

[Vanilla]

Yes Prowl, it's all justification and garbage.

All humans need their space and those in an PA need miles of it.

WW has lost her sense of her responsibility, it is very infuriating and saddening to read. As are as addictive as the best Class A drug and your WW is as caught up as most.

She is in her cheese less tunnel. prowl ignore 100% of that which she says. Correct response? whatever.........

Hugs

V

[sandi2]

Hi Prowl, I will answer the question you asked me about being religious. I don't use the following line of language, unless a poster specifically asks me something about it .............then it opens my floodgates. I hope you won't mind the length of my post and allowing me to share. I know everyone does not have the same religious beliefs, and what I say may be completely different from how you believe.

Sandi may I ask you if you are religious? From remembering your story I do believe you are...

Today my WW made the comment that the harder she tried to do the right thing the harder Satan worked on her until finally she gave in and didn't care anymore. (Sounded like an admission to me)

She then said rambled about it being my fault for being mean to her and that she is trying to find her way back but that she definitely doesn't want to be married to me. The more I brought up religion and not giving into what Satan wants, the angrier she got with me. Probably the angriest I've heard her in months.

At times we can experience those feelings whenever we are "trying" (as your W stated) in our own humanness, instead of surrendering everything to God. She feels she is in a losing battle, partly b/c of the pressure (temptation) from Satan, but mostly b/c she refuses to let go of what is causing her to be wayward.

I was raised in a Christian home and have been in Church all my life. God, Bible, and Church was the center of my life .......right up to when I strayed. At least I "thought" it was the center, but I look back and see that I had stopped my daily studing, praying, etc. So, I wasn't putting on the full armor for the battle that was headed my way.

Not just b/c I did it, but I believe anyone is capable of developing the foundation in the heart to become wayward. Everyone is human and Believer or not, either faith and/or values, principles, & morals can be tested. I prayed about my resentment and other feelings, but I eventually let it slide. Then when I was so overwhelmed by conditions around me, Satan hit hard when my defenses were the weakest. He loves it when we are vulnerable, unhappy, and weakened. He presents something that gives a temporary " fix" and we seem to feel better. We take the bait and next comes the hook.

It can feel like a terrible time of testing, especially when you feel completely alone. Remember, it begins as a secret, for the wayward. Nobody knows.......except God who sees the heart. So the wayward Believer will put up walls, as if to hide from Him. That person stops turning to God and takes matters into their own hands. And of course, that's when Satan smiles.

Another reason she may feel as though she's on the losing end is b/c of the lack of spiritual feelings. Comes with the territory, when one chooses to stray away from God's way. Young Believers who first begin on their Christian journey, may experience certain "feelings" that assures them God is listening and answering. As a Christian matures in their faith, they are suppose to exercise their "faith" by believing and applying the teachings of God..........even if there are no feelings or signs from heaven. Faith is a spiritual action. The solution, for me, is found in God's Word and totally leaning (believing) on what I KNOW to be Truth. Trouble with many of us is that we are seeking that immediate feeling in our hearts and seek immediate signs or proof that our problems have been fixed. For mature Believers, God doesn't always give a certain feeling or some sign. For sure, I don't think she will experience it, as long as she stays divided and keeps one foot in sinful living.

He has a reason, a purpose, and even "allows" us to be tempted by Satan, which is an opportunity to mature if we take God's way. We sure find out what we are made of, real quick. For me, I discovered I had held pride in my heart. I judged others who showed any signs of waywardness. Don't you know I have been humbled down to my smallest toe!! I found out that I was no better than those I had judged, b/c I failed probably the biggest test of my Christian life. I could have chosen God's way and so much pain would have been avoided. But let me quickly add, God always has His arms spread wide and never turns His back. We are the ones who choose to cause distance from Him. We always have free choice, and we always can repent and He will forgive. However, He may give us a spanking for our wayward deeds and the destruction we left in our trail.

If your W is saying that Satan's power (the temptation, that sense of feeling drawn against your better knowledge) is just too strong and therefore she is giving up the fight..........then it suggests that she knows it's a spiritual battle for her (at least, in part) and she is saying she doesn't want to choose God's way out b/c it's too hard. It is not too hard, but she has to be willing to let go. She is wanting to surrender to the temptation that is pulling her through the way of destruction. She doesn't see the destruction it causes, b/c Satan is a master deceiver of all things. She is addicted to the feelings that the flesh desires. That is what drives her right now. That is why it usually takes a long time of harsh reality before she begins to see through the rose colored glasses Satan put over her eyes.

I know it is so hard not to say anything about all of this, but the more you say about it, the worse she is going to react. I have seen wonder ministers preach to their own family, and they would rebell even more. It's something about hearing those truths from the person closest to the wayward, that just causes those walls to go higher. Yes, they get very angry b/c you speak about God.......and their heart is not in a holy condition when they are wayward. You are seeing the results of what happens when a Christian listens to the father of lies instead of the Father of Life.

Continue to pray for your WW, b/c that is your power source. He is a loving God, and loves her more than you do. Your faith is being tested, too. ((hugs))

Sorry for such a long and roundabout reply. One reason I don't get into more of this subject is b/c it's hard for me to find a stopping place. . I am very honored that you turned to me. I don't know that I gave a satisfactory answer, but I hope it helps in some way.

[Prowl]

If your W is saying that Satan's power (the temptation, that sense of feeling drawn against your better knowledge) is just too strong and therefore she is giving up the fight..........then it suggests that she knows it's a spiritual battle for her (at least, in part) and she is saying she doesn't want to choose God's way out b/c it's too hard. It is not too hard, but she has to be willing to let go. She is wanting to surrender to the temptation that is pulling her through the way of destruction. She doesn't see the destruction it causes, b/c Satan is a master deceiver of all things. She is addicted to the feelings that the flesh desires. That is what drives her right now. That is why it usually takes a long time of harsh reality before she begins to see through the rose colored glasses Satan put over her eyes.

I know it is so hard not to say anything about all of this, but the more you say about it, the worse she is going to react. I have seen wonder ministers preach to their own family, and they would rebell even more. It's something about hearing those truths from the person closest to the wayward, that just causes those walls to go higher. Yes, they get very angry b/c you speak about God.......and their heart is not in a holy condition when they are wayward. You are seeing the results of what happens when a Christian listens to the father of lies instead of the Father of Life.

Continue to pray for your WW, b/c that is your power source. He is a loving God, and loves her more than you do. Your faith is being tested, too. ((hugs))

Sorry for such a long and roundabout reply. One reason I don't get into more of this subject is b/c it's hard for me to find a stopping place. . I am very honored that you turned to me. I don't know that I gave a satisfactory answer, but I hope it helps in some way.

Thank you Sandi... I'm failing miserably at DB.. I was holding my own for a little over a week and then I found the pictures of her and her OM. I've fallen apart. I'm crying and begging and pleading again. I've been excused from work because I am such a mess. Everything is falling apart. I can't get my crap together...

She keeps telling me I need to get my crap together. That I am not giving her something that she would want to come back to. I talked to her for a minute while she was dropping S8 off with me. She got mad at me when I wanted to talk about R and I ended up walking away and started sobbing. She kept calling my name and telling me to come back but I just kept walking with my head down while the tears fell. I can't do this!!!

She called me about an hour later and said that she doesn't want to be mean to me. That we have kids together and we were great friends and she doesn't want it to be like this. She told me "We need to start out as friends again "Prowl".

She told me last night that our love was never really "On fire". She says she wants a "friendship on fire". Someone she is completely in love with. I'd have to agree with her. There were times we were "on fire" but not many... It makes me sad because I think she's found that with someone else now.. I feel like I failed as a husband. I've told her I know where I fell short and I want to create something new with her where we are a "friendship on fire". I am just afraid she's already found it...

[Prowl]

So I just found out that the man my W has been bringing to my house, and telling the kids it's her friend from work, is actually the man I found in the pictures last week!!! She's been telling the kids it's her friend "B" because if they told me I wouldn't suspect anything. I showed my S8 a picture of "B" tonight and he said "That isn't "B". So I showed him a picture of OM and he said "Yea that's "B". But his name isn't "B"!! It's OM that I found a picture of her and him together.

I called her and confronted her with this... She played way nice! Told me that she even wanted to try and go to lunch with me next week... 10 minutes before this conversation she was telling me she couldn't stand me and didn't want ti even talk to me. Funny how her attitude changed once I discovered that the OM has been in my house and introduced to my kids as a different name...

[Vanilla]

Prowl

This is just awful. I can not imagine this, I am not surprised you are hurting and down. I really understand, it is just bad WW behaviour.

Just about the pits of behaviour and truly you deserve much better.

I wished I could just be there with a strong hug and let you cry it all out. But I am here to listen to you, keep on posting.

Is there a safe person that you can be with?

As for getting your crap together..............

Prowl you will heal in your own time. You really will need your time and space, take it, and you don't have crap sweetheart, you have hurt and longing and pain. That isn't crap at all, it's your feelings and you are entitled to them. They are yours please don't deny them. Accept that this is really awful stuff and none of this OM deception is your responsibility.

WW is rewriting history Prowl. That's what WWs do, it's standard. Lies and difficulties. And she doesn't want to be mean but she is being mean to you. She wants to be friends whilst doing the opposit of friendship? Nah.....

It's WW stuff all over and truly unpleasant.

Mega big hugs

V

[PigPen]

Damn Prowl, that's some big league stuff you found out. That's got to be a knife in the back for sure.

I'm sorry to and agree with V, you need someone to be with you and make sure you get through this ok.

Do you have anyone you can reach out to and talk to? I just watched a Ted talk about how the answer to addiction is really connection. I believe at the root of all addiction is pain so the answer to pain must also be connection.

I'm sending you some hugs to Prowl, hang in there alright.

PP

[Prowl]

:'( Guys I don't know what to do anymore. Her family is aware of OM and they like him. They don't view him as the man that was being intimate with their daughter while she was married. They view him as the nice man that was there for their daughter as she was trying to escape her abusive marriage.

Today is a holiday in my state. my in laws are having a BBQ tonight to celebrate and they told her to invite OM... I'm so heartbroken.

This morning she asked me how I would feel if she had another child with whomever she ends up with. She's spoken to a few guys that want kids and one that doesn't have any. She told me she would be open to having another child with a man that she falls in love with if that's what they both want. It's so much to process... It's just numbing. She's so excited to move on and I don't know if i'll ever be able to.

[HeavyD]

Prowl

I just had to comment here.

You have 5 sons who all need you, desperately so. Be the man they need to see right now. Be the man who weathers adversity with integrity, pride and strength. One day, they will all face challenges just as hard and they need you to model how a man faces and conquers adversity.

No matter how awful this is (and it is and I am so very sorry), you can and will weather this storm. Take the big picture view, the long view, this is a blip on your radar, a bump in the road. Your life is not defined by your WW. This is a just a challenge, a test, a sad test, but one you can and WILL get through.

Have faith in God, faith in yourself, and faith in your sons.

YOU CAN DO THIS PROWL.

Ignore all of the negative chit she is saying and doing. Be teflon and let it all roll off you. The whole part about having another child, I view that as button pushing. As for her family, yes, they will side with their daughter, that's just how that goes. Be the better man. I know you are the better man.