Ok ... like any Forum ... there are going to be several people giving their advice ... and just as different the sitches, the advice too will be different and possibly conflicting.
Personally ... my son is 8. I understand the kids have to be told, however I was not going to do that until the D was final ... Just the way I approached it ... not saying you did wrong but I do think you had some expectation that your W would realize the pain and snap out of it ... even if she does its not going to happen for some time.
Like you, I did not lie, but it was not my place to spill beans. I sometimes can see the benefit of exposing the A with other situations, but in my case I did not feel this would 'shock' her out of it ... and would only make things harder if we were to reconcile later .. I will have to say my gut was right on this one .. the A ran its course. But at no time do I think you tell the kids "mommy has a boyfriend" My S figured that out on his own because of her actions and their R suffered badly, her circus her monkeys and now she is trying to fix all that.
Reading your sitch a bit ... yeah you have some anger there, I did to ... its hard not to. You mentioned the urge to punish ... let me tell you, that urge increases when she comes clean and wants to work on the M, I have had to really think about what I am doing and saying over the past month. I would suggest really getting a handle on that anger and urge .. for you ... its a weight and one you need not carry.
