Your words are the same words of my IC. He worries that I will be moving backwards and cancel some months of progress achieved from my hard work on myself.
He also fear that in H state of mind right now, he will be manipulative since he also knows me well and knows how to push my buttons.
He is not sure that I am as strong and detached as he would like me to be in order to help someone that is involved emotionally with me.
All that said. It is not favorable to speak with XH. When I spoke with XH today, I told him I do not want to talk about R, M or D. And that is how I intend to keep. I will try my best to convince him to seek professional help but that is it.
If he accept, I will give him all the resources he can chose from to get the help he needs. I can even accompany him at his first appointment to give him some courage.
If he does not accept, I will call his family again, explain what happen and ask them to take care after him because it is out of my hands then.
I really want to move on with my life and I am doing it already. I had a meeting with my company's director to position my full time position in august, salary, healthy benefits, 401K and so on. Now, I also have a choice to stay at this work or look for something better if I may fit.
I also have the real financial numbers and I can sit with a few banks to discuss my options in terms of refinancing my house in 12 months. I have a budget set up in place and I am not worry I won't have money tomorrow.
My kids have been smiling more and are looking at life with a little more easy. I believe that the conversation about budget was a plus with them because it took some of their fear away.
V, my emotions can take the best of myself sometimes, but I am also a cold heart when I need to be. Life is hard and my hasn't been easy at all. But this same life thought me to be resilient, have endurance in hard times.
And last but not least, I will do this for myself. I want to move on knowing that I did not leave anything undone. I do not want to regret tomorrow. I will do what I can today, stand my head tall and follow my heart next.
This way I will be myself, I am an honest and caring person. I am an open book and the pages I had hidden somewhere, are all open right now. I have nothing to hide, to be ashamed, I am clean and have a clean heart. No regrets, no sorrow, no shame, no nothing to hold me back.
One day, if there will be someone else in my life, I will have the opportunity to deal with love for a man, with trust, giving myself to someone else. Right now, it is not in my schedule, so I won't worry about this. One day...
You know I love and respect your words, I know your wounds speak words of wisdom to protect someone. I will take your words with me and make them my guide to keep myself as a distant supporter, a kind friend.
