I know I have to, and do, but after all of this, it is very hard to just pick up and be friendly. In my mind she tried to kill me (emotionally) and now I just supposed to forget about all o that and just carry on. Ugghh. Heavy. I feel your exact pain. I know it is cliche on these boards, but I could have written your post myself. In fact, I have used the "orphan" analogy to describe WW many times. If you have read my thread you have seen my struggles at being friendly with W when I am constantly reminded of what she is doing.
RAI I am not up to date on your sitch .. I will try to pop over in a bit. however ... ^^^^^ screams DETACH DETACH to me. But its VVVVV this part down here that concerns me more.
Originally Posted By: RAI
I toldThis really should have been "We Told" my D9 about the D last night. Soo painful. I made sure W would be present to see the pain she is inflictingonn her children by her selfish and deliberate actions. W held D9 as D9 cried and all she could muster was "we are so sorry!". Not "sorry I have caused all of this with my selfish actions and am pushing for D", but "sorry we are all going through this difficult time right now", as if it is an unfortunate circumstance beyond all of our control, like cancer or a death in the family.
RAI ... this is throwing 100% of the blame and shame on W, might be how you feel and I get it ... but no matter how bad a M is or the D goes ... not the kids fault and BOTH parents need to own their stuff, we can not control the WAS nor if they own theirs .. but we surely can own ours, keep our sides of the street clean ... this is screaming one-sided its all her fault look what she is doing to you D9 .. like you are trying to get her on YOUR side here, regardless of the circumstances, the kids need BOTH parents in their lives
Originally Posted By: RAI
It reminds me of an episode of Simpson's where Homer has gotten his hand stuck in a soda vending machine while trying to steal a can. He is about to have his arm amputated by the firemen when one of the firemen there asks: "Homer? Are you holding on to the can?", at which point homer removes his arm from the machine with no effort. For some reason, our WWs are willfully "holding on to the can" despite the damage that will ensue. Life is stranger than fiction.
Good analogy ... here is the deal, while their hand is stuck in the machine (The A for all intensive purposes) you are right .. they are oblivious to the damage that is being caused .... going up to them and telling them they picked the wrong soda will not cure this. They need to struggle and figure out how to let go of that can first, then with 2 good hands they may try to repair the damage ... or maybe they go after another can of soda because cleaning up that mess, they would have to admit they made a mistake ... depending on the environment ... they might opt to not bother (Become the better option here)
Originally Posted By: RAI
Cali, I loved your truth dart about "amicable". I wish I had such zingers in my quiver. Do you have any more advice for Heavy and I on how to be friendly with WW. RAI
The best advice I would give to anyone .. knowing the sitch or not .. its hard. I used the Sylvester analogy because it was how I felt .... tweety firmly in my mouth .. most likely uncomfortable at first but I knew what I was doing, and I was setting a tone ..... not in so many words telling my W "No matter how much you might hurt me, I am the prize, I will come out of this a much stronger and better man as you continue to spiral .... its tragic to see you do so but you will not take us both down .. our S deserves far better as do I."
Go into the interactions with that in mind .. do not say it .. own it, adopt it as part of your day to day attitude. You know something they do not ... when you get to that place you have a clear focused mind .. they do not. You also honored the M... they did not. Things will catch up to them when the drug/fog lifts .... seeing them start to process all this, when you care about them is just as hard as watching them fall as they did during the A.
That being said .. you have to be the adult about it, take the high road and allow them to hit rock bottom wherever/whenever that may be, in the mean time ... you owe it to yourself, your kids, your family to become better, we all stand to benefit from improving ourselves .. thats the lesson I learned in all this ... every day I can be better than the day before .. prior to BD I was not living .. I was just waiting to die. In a way ... (I will never tell her this) .. she did me a huge favor.
I told my W this morning ... as bad as it was, I grew because of it all, I have a second chance at life ... and this is regardless of what happens to our M.
