Yeah, being stabbed in broad daylight in the eye is how it feels.
But the Sylvester image and Tweety Bird. OMG, it made me laugh and smile just thinking about that.
Science Project... report. W still refuses to say my name via communications nor use any salutations. It is like a ticker tape message ....be there at 5 to pick up kids...... bring over bathing suit.... It's like a robot recording. I am using her name and salutations in my communications most of the time. It has not elicited any reaction at all.
I know you said that it is not a true goal as it includes her reactions but I thought I would try it for fun. I now conclude that it is not working. Did you know that most clinical trials fail? Only about 2% actually make it to testing on humans. Interesting factoid.
Yeah, I realized she brings out the "it's fair" when she thinks it's fair to HER. What I think is 'fair: is irrelevant. LOL!
Big Smile on face commencing - GAL activity for the weekend, movie and lunch with friend and breakfast and seeing two friends from our of town who contacted me. Cool. I have a lot of unpacking and laundry to do. Sheesh.
Question - is she acting like this alien as long as the AP is in picture or does that not correlate to anything. Just curious. I know that going to marriage counseling is futile while the AP is in the picture.
Thanks V for the vote of confidence. I am so ready to be normal again although I don't know if that will ever happen. I guess the new normal will have to be good enough for now.
Question - is she acting like this alien as long as the AP is in picture or does that not correlate to anything. Just curious. I know that going to marriage counseling is futile while the AP is in the picture.
Honestly it depends on HOW the affair will ultimately end. WW behavior can go on long after the affair is over.
You are making yourself the better choice...all you can do, in that regard...and YOU ARE DOING IT.
Yeah, being stabbed in broad daylight in the eye is how it feels.
But the Sylvester image and Tweety Bird. OMG, it made me laugh and smile just thinking about that.
Science Project... report. W still refuses to say my name via communications nor use any salutations. It is like a ticker tape message ....be there at 5 to pick up kids...... bring over bathing suit.... It's like a robot recording. I am using her name and salutations in my communications most of the time. It has not elicited any reaction at all.
Ya know what ... you are triggering some memories for me here. When W would email me .. or leave a message on VM (ya know cuz I was GAL and not answering. She NORMALLY would say "Hey babe just letting you know I will XXXX" During the crisis She would be all formal "Hello Cali its "FIRST NAME" (and she pronounced it funny) ... not 'hey its me' ... nothing ... bugged me to bits.
Heavy .. just treat her like she was abducted on this .. its not really her, just her shell and she is in crisis and can not even think clearly at this point.
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
I know you said that it is not a true goal as it includes her reactions but I thought I would try it for fun. I now conclude that it is not working. Did you know that most clinical trials fail? Only about 2% actually make it to testing on humans. Interesting factoid.
Well , in the name of Science ... try something else, maybe go formal. Not sure if you can ... but like instead of calling her Jenny ... Use Jennifer or something along the lines that you never have before ... if that is not an option, fire with fire ... do not use her name what so ever. do it for a few weeks, most these take time, they notice right off the bat but spend time figuring out what is different and how to react.
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
Yeah, I realized she brings out the "it's fair" when she thinks it's fair to HER. What I think is 'fair: is irrelevant. LOL!
I truth darted this one, W sat me down and told me she wanted the D to be 'amicable' and I looked at her, pulled my best Google impersonation and said "Did you mean amicable as in you get what you want out of this? Because the true meaning of the word is Latin for 'friend' which we are not, and the definition is 'showing kindness and goodwill' which I have not seen to this point" (Yes I practiced that one in advance knowing it would come up)
Originally Posted By: HeavyD
Big Smile on face commencing - GAL activity for the weekend, movie and lunch with friend and breakfast and seeing two friends from our of town who contacted me. Cool. I have a lot of unpacking and laundry to do. Sheesh.
Question - is she acting like this alien as long as the AP is in picture or does that not correlate to anything. Just curious. I know that going to marriage counseling is futile while the AP is in the picture.
No, the AP is just a part of the outfit if you can visualize that. The WAS used the A to escape, and while high on the new drug all is good ... once the shine wears off they will start to look at themselves. My W is sharing bits here and there about this, she admitted as bad as the A was, it taught her that she played a huge role in the issues that she felt were the reasons to leave, she did not realize this at the time ... had to learn it.
The A takes time ... mine took 18 months .. on again and off again. Its not the A that is driving this .. the WAS has to start looking in the mirror, but during the A they are distracted by the new shiny lure .. give it time and that shine will fade.
The hardest part for me is trying to be "civil and polite and light and breezy" with communication with her - even with our kids. Does anyone else feel that way?
I know I have to, and do, but after all of this, it is very hard to just pick up and be friendly. In my mind she tried to kill me (emotionally) and now I just supposed to forget about all o that and just carry on.
She wants to make a big deal about being "fair" about time spent with kids, about money - we have to be FAIR. I think to myself - when is any of this FAIR to me or the kids? I did not have a voice in any of this nor did our kids. Why now is she concerned about fair?
To me it's like a kid crying about being an orphan after they have murdered their parents.
Ugghh. Heavy. I feel your exact pain. I know it is cliche on these boards, but I could have written your post myself. In fact, I have used the "orphan" analogy to describe WW many times. If you have read my thread you have seen my struggles at being friendly with W when I am constantly reminded of what she is doing.
I told my D9 about the D last night. Soo painful. I made sure W would be present to see the pain she is inflicting onn her children by her selfish and deliberate actions. W held D9 as D9 cried and all she could muster was "we are so sorry!". Not "sorry I have caused all of this with my selfish actions and am pushing for D", but "sorry we are all going through this difficult time right now", as if it is an unfortunate circumstance beyond all of our control, like cancer or a death in the family. It reminds me of an episode of Simpson's where Homer has gotten his hand stuck in a soda vending machine while trying to steal a can. He is about to have his arm amputated by the firemen when one of the firemen there asks: "Homer? Are you holding on to the can?", at which point homer removes his arm from the machine with no effort. For some reason, our WWs are willfully "holding on to the can" despite the damage that will ensue. Life is stranger than fiction.
Cali, I loved your truth dart about "amicable". I wish I had such zingers in my quiver. Do you have any more advice for Heavy and I on how to be friendly with WW.
Thank you for your comments. I am always so glad when I get a comment. It reinforces my feeling of "I am not going crazy" and others have gone through the exact same thing and worse. It makes feel grateful and humbled at the same time, so thank you.
Yeah, just bleh. Cali, I do love your truth dart about fairness, I will certainly use it the next time it comes up which it will.
RAI - I am sorry that your girls reacted so badly. My W did the same thing - describes the events and her bahviors in a third person voice, not that I am doing this but the situation occured, like she is talking about another peson that is causing all of this.
She will not take ANY responsibility for her action and the pain she is causing for so many people. It's very very hard to listen to and stomach.
You are right Cali, my greeting her be name and using salutations got me nothing, so I won't do that anymore. Business only.
What do y'all think about her degrading apperance. Does that mean anything? Of course to me it represents that this "situation" is very hard on her and the stress is getting to her. Then again, it's mind reading on my part. Maybe she is strssed because of work, I really have no idea. MUST STOP MIND READING.
I know I have to, and do, but after all of this, it is very hard to just pick up and be friendly. In my mind she tried to kill me (emotionally) and now I just supposed to forget about all o that and just carry on. Ugghh. Heavy. I feel your exact pain. I know it is cliche on these boards, but I could have written your post myself. In fact, I have used the "orphan" analogy to describe WW many times. If you have read my thread you have seen my struggles at being friendly with W when I am constantly reminded of what she is doing.
RAI I am not up to date on your sitch .. I will try to pop over in a bit. however ... ^^^^^ screams DETACH DETACH to me. But its VVVVV this part down here that concerns me more.
Originally Posted By: RAI
I toldThis really should have been "We Told" my D9 about the D last night. Soo painful. I made sure W would be present to see the pain she is inflictingonn her children by her selfish and deliberate actions. W held D9 as D9 cried and all she could muster was "we are so sorry!". Not "sorry I have caused all of this with my selfish actions and am pushing for D", but "sorry we are all going through this difficult time right now", as if it is an unfortunate circumstance beyond all of our control, like cancer or a death in the family.
RAI ... this is throwing 100% of the blame and shame on W, might be how you feel and I get it ... but no matter how bad a M is or the D goes ... not the kids fault and BOTH parents need to own their stuff, we can not control the WAS nor if they own theirs .. but we surely can own ours, keep our sides of the street clean ... this is screaming one-sided its all her fault look what she is doing to you D9 .. like you are trying to get her on YOUR side here, regardless of the circumstances, the kids need BOTH parents in their lives
Originally Posted By: RAI
It reminds me of an episode of Simpson's where Homer has gotten his hand stuck in a soda vending machine while trying to steal a can. He is about to have his arm amputated by the firemen when one of the firemen there asks: "Homer? Are you holding on to the can?", at which point homer removes his arm from the machine with no effort. For some reason, our WWs are willfully "holding on to the can" despite the damage that will ensue. Life is stranger than fiction.
Good analogy ... here is the deal, while their hand is stuck in the machine (The A for all intensive purposes) you are right .. they are oblivious to the damage that is being caused .... going up to them and telling them they picked the wrong soda will not cure this. They need to struggle and figure out how to let go of that can first, then with 2 good hands they may try to repair the damage ... or maybe they go after another can of soda because cleaning up that mess, they would have to admit they made a mistake ... depending on the environment ... they might opt to not bother (Become the better option here)
Originally Posted By: RAI
Cali, I loved your truth dart about "amicable". I wish I had such zingers in my quiver. Do you have any more advice for Heavy and I on how to be friendly with WW. RAI
The best advice I would give to anyone .. knowing the sitch or not .. its hard. I used the Sylvester analogy because it was how I felt .... tweety firmly in my mouth .. most likely uncomfortable at first but I knew what I was doing, and I was setting a tone ..... not in so many words telling my W "No matter how much you might hurt me, I am the prize, I will come out of this a much stronger and better man as you continue to spiral .... its tragic to see you do so but you will not take us both down .. our S deserves far better as do I."
Go into the interactions with that in mind .. do not say it .. own it, adopt it as part of your day to day attitude. You know something they do not ... when you get to that place you have a clear focused mind .. they do not. You also honored the M... they did not. Things will catch up to them when the drug/fog lifts .... seeing them start to process all this, when you care about them is just as hard as watching them fall as they did during the A.
That being said .. you have to be the adult about it, take the high road and allow them to hit rock bottom wherever/whenever that may be, in the mean time ... you owe it to yourself, your kids, your family to become better, we all stand to benefit from improving ourselves .. thats the lesson I learned in all this ... every day I can be better than the day before .. prior to BD I was not living .. I was just waiting to die. In a way ... (I will never tell her this) .. she did me a huge favor.
I told my W this morning ... as bad as it was, I grew because of it all, I have a second chance at life ... and this is regardless of what happens to our M.
I have the exact opposite situation with my WW. She constantly calls me "Honey", "Sweatheart", "Handsome" and other such crap. Rarely does she use my real name, it's always a term of endearment.
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
I have the exact opposite situation with my WW. She constantly calls me "Honey", "Sweatheart", "Handsome" and other such crap. Rarely does she use my real name, it's always a term of endearment.
Thats better than what my W was calling me during the spew sessions
