Seems things are moving along. I think it's important that you answered uR's question about what you want. It's important to know that. To live it. And it leads to the next question - what does your W want from your perspective? I can guess, but it seems a good time to ask.
From my perspective and what I gather from our discussions, she wants her health more than anything. Ironically that was one of the top reasons she left as she felt at the time with the stress our M created she would never be healthy. I learned as a 'fixer' I could not do much for her health, but what I can do is just be there for comfort, she seems to want that, stability more than anything after this hurricane has passed .... the past weeks seems to be more evident as I have been asked "are you going to leave me" more than once. Pretty sure this is coming from a mixture of my non-negotiables that she did try to test, and the fact I am still a bit detached and allowing her to do her own work.
Originally Posted By: AJM
Keep in mind, this is a point in time question. What I mean is, what your W wants right now may not be as fully developed as what you want. And of course, the essence of a relationship is to grow (change) together. Knowing the above answer is really just a way of seeing the synergies and areas to work on. Because a relationship is about coming together and working through things.
Good point, and one I have noticed. She is still a bit 'hungover' I think would be the best way to describe it. However very concerned about where I am, what I am thinking .. constantly temp checking making sure I am going into this weekends Post session with an open mind.
Originally Posted By: AJM
From what I can see, you are both working through things. It seems to be picking up speed, which is nice to hear and see. You also seem to be working through the past, but I have to say its a good sign to see you don't want to keep living there. That's encouraging.
I point that out because you still want to go faster by the look of it, no? And who wouldn't? But you seem to be right where you need to be to learn what you need to learn. All three of you.
Oh I admit completely I want it to speed up ... like leaving a town where you just got your a$$ whooped ... can not get through the gears fast enough.... but it just does not work that way and I know it.
As far as the past.. might as well share here. I have thought about it a bit. I am not so much upset with the emotional part of the A .. its the physical aspect and the 'gift' he left behind which has been a bit of a road block. I attribute my struggles with it being my LL, and this last book I read lists me as a 'Physical" so I equate 'Love' that way .. all the way to my core, so for me the very act of sex is the most intense connection I feel ... just processing through this and understanding why it still hurts and currently has me 'stuck' a bit has helped. Not sure if ^^^ makes sense to anyone but its where I am at.
Originally Posted By: AJM
I'm also struck by some of the posts and how easy it would be to become a despot of a man in this situation. To make her "pay" for the past under the guise of rebuilding trust. That would be an easy step where you are right now. Be watchful of that.
Yeah, this one is tricky. When things are going well or maybe just a little tense I do not think about it. I had thought about the current 'hot button' topic of her 'friend' in this regard. I had told her no more secrets ... so last night I check the phone and everything was there, a coupld calls to the fellow. Am I happy she talks to him ... honestly no not really. BUT .... I took a walk and thought about it, she did as I asked and stopped deleting the calls, then I thought ... she could have easily just gone from OM1 to this guy had she wanted to, he has been single for a bit. But, she chose me and our M and has been discussing with him (from what she told me) that she is working on our M. So I let it go ... could have easily went Punisher mode and said "Him or me" and could have forced that issue ... but for what? To win? Win what?
Truth is .. do I ever want to go through this again? NO ... could I stop it if she chose that path ... *shrug* only by doing my part and working constantly on the M, you know .. the one I made mistakes with the first time around. This epiphany lifted a weight off.
Originally Posted By: AJM
I still think that no matter what comes next, you are growing and learning all about yourself. You have the gift of learning about her and growing with her. That's incredibly valuable, Cali. Don't lose sight of that
Best of luck with what comes next. There will be more challenges, but you seem to have the tools to deal with them. I suspect she is quickly building the same although she seems to have farther to go. That's really nice to see her put that effort into her life and yours.
Peace, AJ
AJ ... as always you get me thinking and I always end up further down the road because of it .. for all your help in my sitch I am forever grateful ... one day I am going to get you sloppy drunk and have a circus monkey have his way with you.
