Hi PP, thanks for your kind words. It's indeed a very tough situation but I decided that this is time to put aside all my anger and resentment.
Last year I noticed that I was going in a spiral reaction getting myself into a deep hole. So, I got myself some ADs, an IC that I see almost every week since then, a group of friends that talk to me every single day.
I also follow the advices from this forum, I exercise, go out with friends, I dance, I am doing new things sometimes, I am organizing my life as a single mum, my finances and so on.
I feel centered even when I have a million reason to just loose it all. I guess it is also part of my personality to be a survivor. I am a very resilient person, and in time of crises that's when I get calmer.
Hi Cali, I remember all what you went through with your H and how painful it was for you to see his struggle during that time.
July 26th will be my BD anniversary. At that time, XH was doing some yoga ninjitsu kind stuff, said that he was in peace with himself because he knew it was time for him to move on.
I remember how powerful he was feeling to make such a decision to end his M, have a GF, get a promotion in his work, all that combined seemed so perfect for him. I was the only problem in his life and he decided to get rid of me.
After a year and now I see that decided man in a million pieces, without even the desire to live anymore. Talking about ending it all and how much he is contemplating death.
Right now, I feel that there is no room for grudges, resentment, anger towards him. I tried very hard to think that he is a big boy that makes big decisions, that he was calculating every move and even could take advantage on me financially.
But I can't see this man, what I see is someone very unbalanced. I am convinced now that XH is very ill, his depression got to a point of desperation and his talking about death is a big cry for help.
I have decided to at least try to support him in order for him to get professional help. I understand our M is over, we even have court date on 8/5 to get the judge final take on our legal separation agreement and it may be all done.
I am conscious that he may never come back to our M, but I want to see him better. I am really sad to see a person that I care deeply in such suffering. I get angry with him, but I do not wish any harm or bad things to him.
My plan is to sit down with him this weekend and try my best to get his heart to understand he needs professional help.
Regarding mental health, I live in a Boulder area and we are fortunate that this area is very well organized and there are all the support we need. If XH gets worse, there are help he can get. My IC gave me a lot of information on how to handle things in case of crisis.
I just hope he can accept my help and support and will take himself to a professional that can help him.
Again, thanks for all the support you guys give me. Please, forgive me for being so selfish, I know I have not been able to help others in this board at this moment because I do not have much time right now. I think that somehow things will change and everything will be resolved, then I can help someone else.
