Summer of Growth and Acceptance - Part 2

[Zues126]

You did some things really right here. I do like that you were nonchalant when he brought up the divorce, and I think it's good that you shared your pain when he asked about why it mattered to you about the A. And it sounds like it ended on a better note.

I understand that a WAS is hard to validate because they are acting inconsistently. Nevertheless if you want him to open up more to you and potentially grow closer I think you have to work on this. What I read in your recap that isn't very validating:

He's wrong to be upset with you inviting family because you texted him and it was perfectly reasonable. He's unreasonable for being upset about your comment he interpreted to mean you were preparing for another relationship. He's upset irrationally with everything and you think he's trying to manipulate you. He tried to express why he's been so closed off but since he wasn't able to articulate this to your satisfaction you are dismissing this.

BT, I feel like your H loves you and is trying to find a way to stay married. He has been closed off because he has been hurt so much by being dismissed, misunderstood, and neglected. Remember the part about how it doesn't feel like you hear him, how he didn't talk to you for a long time, and how you promised if he'd open up you'd REALLY listen to what he has to say?

Of course he feels differently than you do. If you two felt the same you wouldn't have any conflict. If you steamroll him he'll shrug, decide he can't reason with you, and potentially feel forced to talk to OW who treats him like what he says matters. Or you can validate him, make him feel that his feelings are just as valid as yours, then after you both understand each other and feel safe and close can collaborate on solutions that work for both of you, and show him why it's better to have a mature R than a feel good fling.

This isn't easy, but you did ask him to open up, this is a critical time to show him a W only a fool would leave.