I think I belong in Piecing...

[Painter]

I haven't updated in quite some time, partly because nothing particular has happened, and partly because I had some privacy concerns. But things are going reasonably well. I wouldn't call us secure, but H has for some reason decided to stop fighting. That has been a huge change, because the frequent anger took such a toll on our relationship for many years before the A. There's still a rare outburst, but it's not so out of the blue and it's not nearly as bad. This has lasted for about 3 weeks now. I don't expect it to last forever, but I think it's interesting that he seems to have made a decision and is sticking to it. There is a genuine calm about him that doesn't feel forced. And I hope that when he experiences that our discussions or disagreements end quickly (like he wants them to) because he doesn't get angry but instead validates or just listens, it will encourage him to continue.

My lack of trust still sometimes pops up, so of course I wonder if this good mood is because of something else... but I try to not go with those fears.

The most important thing I have done to improve our relationship (and perhaps make him less frustrated), is my main 180 - backing off on managing him. I had a bad habit of having an opinion about most things and feeling like I needed to manage almost everything. H is indecisive and avoidant and I am not, but we got stuck in these roles and he became resentful and rebelled. I guess he wants to be avoidant and indecisive because of the freedom it gives him, while I like things to be organized and planned.
For me, I think it might also stem from a lack of display of affection on H's part - feeling like I had to assert myself in the relationship because he made me feel like a piece of furniture. A very big piece of furniture, but still furniture.

I think my backing off has done a lot to make him feel better about us. It's nice to see that perhaps something I did (or in this case, didn't), worked!