Help and support appreciated

[West1]

I felt like I backslid a ton.

I basically begged her to consider giving me another chance last night.

Said i finally gave up, and she wuld hav to deal with this stuff every day anymore.

Told me dont take any decisions from me, THEY ARE MY DECISIONS TO MAKE. Thinking I was going to do something drastic.

It was more finally getting to the real root of the problem. No matter what I change, how strongly we feel, or committed to each other we seem to be, I cant change the past. She cannot let go of it. That is all that seems to be standing in the way of us forging a new marriage or heal8ng our relationship.

I pulled back. I didnt text her other than in response to her text this morning. Normally I would txt every morning at 555, a lil game we always played for 3 digit tim3s to see who would get the next one.

Then she made a request in txt later this morning to take pics of our twin d1s,with a thank you after, since she has been working last three days and hasnt been hom3 before they were in bed.

Was working and didnt respond. Then got this txt"so, do you think its going to be just the other extreme now , like before we talk a lot and now nothing ? I wish there was an in between."

I responded with," I feel the more I talk, the closer to you I get, and the harder it is to keep a safe emotional distance, without overwhelming myself with feelings of the past."

Also am trying not to pursue, keep physical contact to supportive not sexual, and not trying to kiss, hug, hold hands, since it seems like that just leads to us having sex, she has initiated sex twice since she has been home, and I did once.

[West1]

Should I only be responding to her when she initiates, i know it is doing wat works, feel if i get to comfy with convo i slip back into old patterns

[West1]

Good news for GAL, one of the few friends I have that live close, I also work with, invited me to come over to his BIL house tomorrow after work.

Keeping up 180 of consider her feelings and plans before I make a decision to do something by telling her what was proposed, asked her if it interfered with anything we had scheduled or any of her plans.

Her response. "It does not interfere, glad you have plans and I will be with the kids, no worries, ty for photos."

Photos were ones she requested of our girls when I went home for lunch.

[Sotto]

"That is all that seems to be standing in the way of us forging a new marriage or heal8ng our relationship."

Hi West 1, I'm not suggesting that you are minimising 'that' - but do remain aware that it is probably a huge thing to overcome in her mind. It is common for people who have had A's (whether an EA or PA) to downplay the impact on their spouse.

Add into the mix, that her previous partner cheated on her, and 'that' becomes even bigger. Have you read what MWD says a spouse needs following an A. It is somethere in DR - probably in the infidelity chapter.

For me, it feels like a great leap to feel safe again entrusting my heart to someone - be it H or a new person. And to be cheated on again would be a fear for me. Perhaps that will lessen in time, I don't know.

Sorry, this post isn't supposed to be all about me. I'm just trying to convey some of what your W may be feeling.

Good luck with things, Toots :-)

[West1]

I am in no way minimising it believe you me. Thank you for the advice Toots.


It is the single biggest obstacle that is standing in my way, it is constantly on her mind, and have been in IC with my pastor, working on how to help reassure her, how to make sure that i wont do it again, well until he went into hospital with brain tumor.

All if it revolves around it right now. That will take time for her, to decide if she can even trust, or believe in me again.

[West1]

On a liter note, just finished 5 mi on my bike for second time now in 2 weeks, and 50 pushups inbetween laps, feeling great.

W not upset with me today, and seeming in a better mood.

Have tried doing many of the things that the betrayer should do after a revelation, and she says she doesn't care, doesn't want to see the phone records for my phone, my data usage report and activity reports, bank statements that prove everything that I have been saying is true, that I havent been talking to anyone, that there is nothing I am spending money on, that she is the only one I am talking to, interested in.

Validating and apologizing for hurting her when she brings it up, saying I deserve that instead of defending myself when she accuses me of talking to someone again.

It is rough.

[West1]

Just blew it all again....sheesh.

She wanted to hang out and talk, and all I started to do was giv3 reassuranc3s and make her feel like I am saying everything she wants is wrong, and explaining why we should try to make our marriage work.

I pull back and she thinks I am shutting down like before. I am finding it very hard to be in the middle of both extremes.

[West1]

Last night she gave me more insight into how she feels.

She said I want to go to someone that I dont have any expectations with, no past hurt, no hangups, no anything.

Looks like i need to concentrate on not doing anything that would remind her of any of that. Make things hurt, even though all i feel like I am doing is hurting her.

I left a little early for work this morning. Was feeling anxious, so just left. Im sitting at work waiting to punch in, an W txt me

W:What time do you leave for work?
W:Did you just go out all night?
M:I left at 5:25, I was pacing and feeling anxious, I am sitting here at work waiting to punch in at 545.
W:what time are kids getting picked up by my ex

Then W called. I apologized for yesterday. Kept it short, told her to have a good day.

Called W and told her I just recieved txt about data overage and asked if she had wifi on at home, said she didnt realize how much her app was using, i suggested to dl content while at home instead of streaming while out, said I had to get back to work.

[West1]

A huge issue that I am milling over. Over and over in my mind is money.
W has told me how hurt she is, and that she feels like I am flaunting or trying to bribe her back into our marriage because I was able to get a loan to pay for her lawyer, which I didnt want to have to do in the first place.

She is mad because I had gotten a loan from retirement to shore up bills and keep from defaulting on car and house and phone and other bills.

I am still not doing it right. I have 5k, 2k i need for her lawyer, I said I would give her 3k of the 6k i originally got, then changed my mind when she left and I got served divorce papers.

Would giving her the original 3k I promised, that was hers to begin with because it is half hers still be right to do, or be seen as a bribe?

She do3snt believe I can be trusted, or believed to keep her s3cure, thinks that whoever comes along will just make me stop caring and forget about her. Financial issues have always been a problem for us.

She supported my career, we built my credit, things were in my name, sh3 handled finances, but we never seemed to get it right. Bills were late, utilities late, always feeling like living paycheck to paycheck.
We never did anything to build here because she believed she would be with me forever and I would support her.

She said you must doubt my convictions, because you know I finish what I start, and I dumbly replied, what about your conviction to our marriage for better or for worse.

She started shutting down and not responding.

Then said something about how we dont want anyone around our daughters, but know its inevitable. Said she wants us to raise our daughters the way we wanted.

I dont want her to have to work so hard and miss out on enjoying our family, our kids and life, that is always why I worked so hard to make sure she didnt have to worry.

In the end though, i became selfish, because I felt like I gave up everyhing for my family and was becoming self absorbed.

She gave up her home, and her job to take care of our kids and trust and support me in the life we built together, now she has nothing, no trust, no security, working part time, no credit, and I keep trying to push it all back on her, saying it is all still here.

Is there anyone that has been successful with inhouse separation, recovery from affairs, when she says she does not want to deal with my hurt and love me, wants someone that she do3snt have all the history with, the expectations, the hurt, the joy, the sadness, the pain,?

[WhyUs]

Well,

At least your W moved back in after filing for D. I was hoping mine would not even file once she saw what it would do to us financially. Her folks will help her out with money and she is happy to take it so that did not work. The reality of it is that I did not want her to stay for financial reasons anyways. My wife has cut off all contact and is ready to move on with her OM.

I wish I knew what to tell you. I understand you care for her but you also have to look out for yourself. She is divorcing you either way. Giving her money is not going to change that. Just don't make the decision for spiteful reasons. Make the ethical and moral choice when it comes to the money.

Also, the remark about convictions to you marriage was not a good idea. No need to stir the pot.