I am pretty much at an all time low. I came back to NZ to help my sons out who were in a mess. I took on a flat and found a job so I could make sure s18 was safe and stayed in college. Now all that is gone, I feel a failure that I could not get s18 to stay the course, but happy with myself that I recognized that he needed more help than I could give him and took action.
This leaves me with a flat I can't afford, a job I don't like in an area I don't want to live in, with only a couple of friends here. I know that the answer staring me in the face is to Move, but I feel its not that simple.
I have no family to lean on, my friends are dotted around the country and whilst very dear to me and supportive, I appreciate they have their own lives and families. My family is all but gone now, my brother and father no longer have contact with me, I have tried on a few occasions since returning to NZ and neither reply.
I feel absolutely alone in the world right now, I feel extremely lost. If I move near to my sons then I am moving near h and that may not be a good thing to do right now. I have thought of taking time out to travel a bit, but really can't afford it and saving is impossible now I am paying for everything on the flat by myself. Moving means I am taking on a yr lease and am I really wanting to commit to that, plus it means trying to find a job again and I was not exactly inundated with offers the last time - 1 !!
I think that when h came out of the woodwork and he started talking reconciliation I started to feel happy that MY family was being put back together. I am of course happy for him that he now recognises that he is going through something, needs help and is doing so, he sounds like he really hates who he has become and genuinely wants this to stop. I will always have that hope that what he currently feels for me is real and it stays with him through this process.
I know I need to kick start my own life again and keep it going forward. I don't think its stood still, even with this it moves forward, just in a different way. H knows I want to move, he knows I need to change things in my world, but I really don't know what is the best thing to do anymore. Like I said, I am lost and alone.
