Walkaway wife

[jjal]

Have a walkaway wife on my hands. 20 years married, mid 40's with no kids, typical ups and downs but nothing major, hardly ever argued, generally happy. We hiked, went for walks, foodies, beer/whiskey nerds, had dinner parties with friends, and always had a date night dinner out every Friday night for 15-16 years to reconnect after busy weeks.

In May, we went on 2 week Europe vacation which went well, spent a lot of time together and some time apart doing things the other wasn't up for. When we returned at the end of May, the wife jumped into an Iron Man training regimen of 12-15 hours a week of training tossed on top of a 50 hour a week job. Whole month of June I started noticing some detachment -- cold and distant mixed in with some occasional bits of sweetness, also drinking heavier than usual ... one time blacked out on patio, sitting on the patio by herself with phone, secretive with her phone. A close friend even said later he didn't even recognize her new personality. And she wasn't telling me her training schedule, I'd find out day before. I need to know if she was going to spend 6 hours on a bike somewhere. Not that I minded, need to plan my days.

Anyway, a few weeks before we left on vacation, all the pre vacation chores overwhelmed me, she joined a new running group which required a 4am wakeup, 830 bedtime. She was taking her phone to bed to use as a "2nd alarm clock". Shortly after we returned from vacation, my culinary school trained wife said we'd be eating a lot out of boxes for the forseeable future because of her training schedule. Then she said for me to go ahead and watch the new seasons of Orange is the New Black and House of Cards by myself because she didn't have time to watch them. Both are her favorites.

Then on evening of July 2, she in bed, me about to go to bed when I hear her iPad ding. I flip up the cover and read a text message from a male friend we've known for a handful of years asking if she had given me the "talk". Reading the thread of messages revealed they'd been to lunch a time or two to discuss this. I sat up until her alarm went off at 4am and confronted her. Calmly as can be, she said she loved me but there were so many things she wants to do in life that she knows she'll never do being married to me. Such as a 2 week hiking/camping trip or two week biking trips across Italy. Says she has no interest in working on marriage, nor go to counseling.

I spent the next 4-5 days distraught. Typical chasing disbeliever.

She went to a hotel for the week. She suggested I speak with a counselor about what I was feeling. So, I met with a counselor 1 week after the "talk". We had dinner that same night. She was calm, a bit weepy eyed at times, but generally the same bubbly chatty wife I remember from months earlier. When she asked if I wanted to ask her anything or talk about anything, the counselor suggested I say "I need time to reflect, and will need time to think about what I need." And left it at that. That seemed to startle her.

She said she would be getting a 30 day corporate apartment to "sort things out". This was a change from moving into an apartment as she said she would do.

In the 2nd week of separation, she sent an email asking when my next counseling appt was, and that she had scheduled one for herself with a local church. However, I am not sure of her motives, divorce counseling or marital counseling. Now, we are at the end of our 3rd week of separation.

And by now, I've pieced it all together. A divorced adventure nut and runner in her running group started calling her 2-3 times a week, texting too, at the end of April. Developed a timeline based on credit card receipts/our text messages where we were and what we were doing and there were a few deceptive calls (on our date nights or while she was on patio). And then there were social gatherings, 3 in a month, that he was at while I was. Now that we are separated, the phone calls and texts have increased. Every night 20-30 minute call, and 10-30 texts a day.

This week, I have employed the 180/Last Resort and I have gotten some curious emails. What did I have planned for the weekend, wishing me a good day/night, her asking if I had returned to the doctor, her telling me her plans for the weekend. Always vague responses, not rude, but short. Today she picked at my vague weekend plans I told her until I told her what I was doing, she replied that she wasn't trying to be nosy, she just really wanted me to have a nice weekend ending with "I really mean that."

Should I remain patient, keep cell call logs in backpocket, keep doing Last Resort, and see how both of our counseling tracts go? Yes, I got a life too, been out with friends, doing stuff, even took horse riding lessons yesterday. Been nice not having as much to clean, laundry, etc (yes, I did most of that). But, I'm in the anger phase right now, and with all the info I have collected, I'm leaning towards telling her that I want a divorce based on the deceit, betrayal and emotional affair. However, I also know with improved communication, we'd be really good. I just know she's been heavily influenced by this whole new group of friends who are mostly divorced/single. Any advice is welcome...

Thanks!
J