Huge Backslide After Affair Recovery

[CaliGuy]

hope

Ok ... I get where you are at, its a very tough spot to be in. In my case W and OM were an on again and off again A for 18 months or so.

Some questions you have ... really ask yourself ... will the truth help you or will it just cause even more pain? Its really easy to be stuck in the past and stay there, its easy to spin ... truth is you are still very fresh in all this. I will just pull out a few things you listed:

H- It doesn’t help when I just hold on to stuff and feel worse and worse. I realized after reading to D last night that my choices in this are making everything in my life worse and moving me towards losing her and him. I do not want that or to lose you either.

H- Well let’s fix it. there’s no good future or outcomes in the way we’ve been doing this.

Your H is admitting his own faults, looking in the mirror and owning HIS part in all this ... this is a step forward

he would have to follow up with various things such as putting his ring back on, friending me on fb, unlocking his devices & not being so secretive. So he did all these things that same day. He held my hand in the car. It was very awkward & I felt very nervous... I guess from nearly 6 weeks of being so anxious about what he was doing and what else he would do to hurt me.

Here his ACTIONS are backing up the words ... what do we talk about here .. believe nothing of what they SAY...50% of what they DO.

Then....

For example, yesterday he went by & picked up some fruit from a fruit stand near his work. He texted me at 4:15 to say he was getting on the highway to come home. Then he texted a few minutes later to say he had picked up some fruit at the stand. Later that night, I happen to see the receipt on the counter from the fruit & it says 3:30p. Immediately I am panicked.

So .. you snoop, you are looking for a sign a clue and you are getting yourself spinning as to WHERE H could have been/done in that 45 minutes.

Lets look at this ... he just told you he was wanted to work on things, he even mentioned " it would be great if I'd include in that any accusations, trying to catch me in stuff, and quizzes in that not talking." but ... you are still at it. I do not blame you.... but this is one of his concerns and you are not being open and honest.

Here is the deal, you have to COMMUNICATE, do not assume ... those 45 minutes, maybe he helped an old lady across the street, maybe he met up with OW to tell her face to face things were over and he was working on his F, maybe he had a quickie in the hotel .... regardless of what he did ... you are not DBing here! You are focused on his every move and it will not help him trust you .. nor you trust him. I am not 2x4ing you here .. because I caught myself doing almost the same thing these past weeks.

Going through this without professional help will be tricky as you do seem like you want to push and press H ... he is going at this at his own pace, I do think hitting him up about that 45 minutes that were unaccounted for will not go as you hope .. and will backfire. At some point you have to decide to trust, you might not be there yet, your H might not be there yet .. it takes time .... rather than speculate (on the 45 minutes) I would wait untill you have something tangible that you can bring up ... otherwise it makes you appear needy and clingy .... and mostly that 'you are trying to catch him' as he put it.