Thank you Tlee and Bob. Zephyr, I'm sorry, too. Vanilla, I need to write one more letter. It is the one I should have perhaps written the first time.
Zelda,
For a long time you struggled and you tried to stabilize, and help him find his happiness, to see reason. This was never your job. Your thanks was increasing abuse and apathy. His aching soul, the holes in him that screamed no one cares, no one listens, it's all their fault - this was a tidal wave you couldn't have turned. You must have no regrets. You had a beautiful life with him, in moments, and it's okay to miss those and to still love those times. Amid every happy memory, you know there was upsets on either side. You no longer have to deal with hurt, insults, injustice. Your life is quiet and full of love now as you choose.
You tried to heal the things inside you that couldn't simply let his wounding bounce off of, shrug off. You are still trying to separate it. It's ok. Love shouldn't feel cruel. It wasn't yours to own.
You are beautiful and have a conscientious heart. All of his lies about you being selfish, bad with people, it isn't true. You can be softer, but without being punched in the gut at random, it is easier to take that shell off. Forgive yourself.
Have faith in your future. Your skills are hard won and valuable, and you just need to focus forward now. A life well lived is the best revenge. Trust there is someone out there who is your equal and who will love you with maturity when you're ready.
Unfortunately, it is exactly what it looked like. He may justify it, and he may say pretty things, but in the end you don't need his apology or love. You'll never get it because it's not in his character to look at himself or think about anything that is hard.
You've been through it. Quiet your heart and mind. Be at peace, a little more each day. Let your strengths carry you: tenacity, focus, humor, love, openness, willpower.
This world is your oyster. You need to rise like a phoenix from the ashes and decide what you'll create in moving forward. Let it be your art, the biggest show of force of life you can imagine. Love those that have been there for you, hold them close. Be good to yourself. Eat well, sleep well, laugh, kindness and respect to you and all around.
The day of that hearing, let your light shine out. Let him never forget who you are at your core, and let that core carry you with confidence and resolve, peace, as you face him. Know that you are a woman a fool would have done this to.
Try to forgive, because it will hurt you if you don't. Feel the pity for him your friends do, and at a distance. It's okay to wish him well and if he changes for the better and lives happily ever after, be at peace.
There is life waiting for you, bigger, kinder and full of colors and hope you would have never known here in the past. Let the trauma and the hurt go. I love you.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
