Hang in there. Only you can decide if and/or when this is too painful to continue.
Having said that, let's pretend for a minute that you decide today is that day. For argument sake, you file and finalize your D in 24 hours.
Once this is all over, D is final, does it actually change anything for you?
My guess is it will still be just as painful for you. You mention at the beginning of this post GAL is going well, but what exactly is that for you? I hear a lot of you doing things for H in this post above, and not a lot of you doing things for P.
I think you need to give some solid headspace to how you can begin to detach, and once you start to do this things will get easier, I promise.
Me:36 W:30 M:2.75 T:7 BD: 4/2015 ILYBNILWY: 5/2015 W Moved Out: 5/2015 W filed for D: 7/2015
Sorry, the above comment was to another post in your thread. I hit the reply button and thought it was going to comment directly to that post!
As for MC, you need to have a counselor you are both comfortable with. Many MCs actually hurt the M as they allow one person to hear the information they needed to know they have the ok to leave. If you are afraid of being too emotional maybe you can leave your H a note asking him to interview MCs to find one you are both comfortable with.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Jedi, you are right. I "get" the concept of detaching but I haven't been successful at it. I need to work on that. I don't know how. I will not give up, but this is hard for me. There have been instances, every day even, where I do detach so I know it is possible, but then the emotion creeps back up. I need to work on this. I know you all know this is hard- any tips? I do not want to be controlled by my emotions, or even worse, by someone else's emotions.
If I got a D right now the pain would not change. Probably would be worse.
And as far as GAL- I went on a 10 day vacation without H, and had a great time. Have been going out frequently with friends. And I just started singing lessons which I love! But GAL without detachment is just really avoiding the situation. I need to detach.
Lovethehub, thank you. Your posts were what I needed. You gave me perspective and you are right. He is suffering and confused and I don't think he wants to end the M, but he doesn't want to continue feeling unloved and he doesn't trust me. Or himself to be honest. He wants to "be friends" and feels like he is not safe to be himself around me. His examples are a little stretching it, but those are his feelings and I need to remind myself that his words and actions right now are those of someone who I love who is hurting, and not a reason to defend myself or convince him he is wrong. I will look past his examples to the feeling behind them. This is a chance to be a safe person for him to be around, give him space, and work on myself in the meantime. I will probably reread your posts several times. Thank you.
About the MC. I told H my concern. He said its ok with him if I call the counselor without him and talk about my concerns, and then we can discuss other options if that is what I want.
I will answer my own question about detaching. At times, when H gets crazy and irrational, I have this overwhelming thought in my head to run away and give up on him, if he can believe xyz there is no hope because he is just so out of touch with reality. This has happened at least 1-2x per week since BD, and if I am honest, for the several months leading to BD. Usually he is ranting and emotional, and just spewing rage and hateful things at me. And then a little voice inside my head tells me to STFU and I do. And I validate and I reassure - usually apologize for something, say I understand this upsets you, I am sorry I didn't fully understand before how much this bothers you, I get it now, - that type of thing and it works. H calms down and our marriage is still intact.
The problem for me is the little things- when H seems calm or when my anxiety is building. Then I don't detach. But when he is losing it I am able to. So I need to remind myself that it is the same thing. And when it is a "little thing" and I am tempted to react, I need to remind myself that it will turn into a big thing if I do. He can't handle my emotions right now, he just can't. So I need to. If I can do it sometimes, I can do it more frequently. So just for today, I will detach. I can do it one day at a time.
Is my thinking on the right track? Maybe the more I do it the easier it will be.
And what do I say if I don't agree with him? For example, if he says "my mother is right, you are xyz". Do I validate by saying "It must be hard for you to be in the middle of a disagreement between your mother and your wife? It is stressful to feel like you are being asked to choose sides?" What could I say to validate him without saying "your mom is right, I am a terrible wife" and without criticizing his mother?
