Putting it all together

[lovethehub]

Uphill, my point is that most people on the other side of the A think that you do it without caring about them, that you have thought it out and planned it but it really isn't like that. At least not for me and for several other people I know who found themselves in the same position. Before I had an A, I judged people who had one and thought the same as everyone else, "If you are going to cheat, why not leave". After it happened, I had a completely different understanding.

Is it a lack of self control? Maybe. What I really think people need to understand is that they think of an A as the ultimate betrayal and think "how could you", "I would never do that" "I had opportunity and I didn't do it", etc. I can never get over the fact that they think it is worse than years of poor treatment. It isn't. One is a quick, painful death and the other is slow and agonizing. It was not okay for me to have an affair. I know that. However, self control had nothing to do with it for me. My husband didn't care about me, didn't want to do anything to improve our M, told me to go find someone else because he didn't care what I did and then couldn't believe I had an A? I never wanted my M to end but it had been over for years before I had the A. If I hadn't had one, we would either be divorced or we would still be miserable together. It wasn't until I had one foot out the door that he realized maybe he did care after all. I didn't have the A because I lacked self respect or self control. I had because I was dying inside, I was emotionally empty for years in the relationship department and when you feel that empty you make poor choices. The partners in the relationships that have an A need to take ownership of what they did that could leave someone so hurt and lonely that they think it is a good choice. It isn't your fault they make the choice, that is 100% on her. What is your fault is what you did to make her feel she was so unimportant to you that it felt good to be wanted by someone.