My thread is nearing 100 so I thought I would make this the last update, its fitting as a new chapter in my story is beginning.

I need to get this out of me, it’s been bottled up and gets added to regularly at the moment. I can’t talk to my girlfriends about it and know that here is a safe and understanding place to be. I apologise for this being so long.

So here goes: Work is much the same, not happy but plodding along until I come up with a plan b. I got my appraisal this week, I wanted to beat my friend who sits on the top of the leader board with 80%, I got …….86% booyah lol. No criticism of my performance just that I have set myself a high standard to continue to live up to.

Things with s18 came to a head and I found out he was being withdrawn from college, he had been leaving in the morning but not attending. He was going down the typical teen boy route of parties, drinking, girls and cars which was becoming a real problem for me to deal with on my own, especially with my work hours. After yet another bad night with him I gave in and rang h, told he that s18 really needs male role models in his life before he goes down a path we cannot get him back from, he stepped up immediately, said put him on a plane and he and s21 would have him for a while. He left last weekend, lives with s21 and already has found work through an agency. So fingers crossed all works out with him.

So to my meltdown head explosion bit. H - this is the shortened version !

Then today happened. So h let me know that the house had fallen through. I asked about ow moving out and he replied that neither of them were any closer to finding somewhere but there are more open homes this weekend. He asked how I am as we had not spoken for a few days. I replied and a few texts went back and forth. I asked how he is doing – then it all happened.

H: As for me and how things are, I'm seeing a psychotherapist as I felt overwhelmed and want to understand what I am feeling and why. I need to assure myself that I am not reacting and risk hurting others. That is the last thing I want to do. For me it’s a sanity check on my thoughts, I am not going so to change my intentions (us). I would describe myself as very confused. What are you thinking?

So I did it, I laid it all out there, I said I was sad he was feeling this way and hope that things become clearer for him so he can enjoy life again. Then I went on to say how I was feeling, how I have always felt about him, that I made a promise to him 24yrs ago and stand by it, that I love him, miss him and care for him and I want him to be happy. (This is the shortened version).

He thanked me for being open. Apologised for all that is happening and the confusion he is causing, that he is working on it. That he seriously does not know how he feels about anything. He has fears over us, that we are now two very different people with separate experiences and expectations for the future. He feels that we have been through so much over the years and survived it, that I am to him, like he to me, his lobster (it’s a term from Friends, Ross and Rachel are lobsters, they mate for life) H is upset he is causing me more harm and hates the way he is and who he has become.

I replied that he is only human and needs to be kind to himself (ha ha) And yes I am different now, stronger and less fearful of life. I asked about this relationship ban, is it still what he wants.

H : I won’t be starting any new relationships. I want to sort out the ones I have – not all romantic, it includes the boys, friends and family. On the back of my indecisiveness you need to look out for you. Tell me at any time that what I am doing/not doing is not acceptable.

I asked him if the physical side is over with him and ow (something that has bothered me) only honesty will take us forwards, even as just friends.

H: its over and in the interest of honestly I would prefer it wasn’t, that is also part of my therapy.
Then he started talking about his s/drive and how its gone through the roof since leaving, that he never cheated or even considered cheating on me but its taken all his willpower to not to cheat on her.

H:I feel it has taken over my life. I was seeking a hedonistic young free and single life. I don’t know what is driving this, be it mid life crisis or chemical imbalance but it’s a real problem. I feel ashamed telling you this but I want you to be aware.

Me: I don’t know when or why your feeling and thoughts for me came back, perhaps I am your lobster, perhaps I am not. I appreciate that you are very lost right now and I am safely, but if you realise that I am nothing more than that I would appreciate you being up front with me.

H: you may be right, I would swear you’re not, but until I better understand myself I have no way of assuring you that it is not just a safety thing. With absolute double standards can I ask a question : What has been your physical status over the past year?

Me: me myself and I ha ha. I had a couple of offers but could not bring myself to. If you are with others, then please make sure you protect yourself.

H: I am not wanting to be out there all over the place, hence trying to work it out with the shrink, but thanks for safe se# talk lol. The last thing I want to do is give you hope without knowing that all is well in my noggin and its just down to you and I feeling the same way about each other at the same time. I am so sorry for being so messed up.

Me: ok thanks for the honesty. Nothing has changed, you have asked for my support and I give it freely. What will be the status with you and ow when you finally leave. And why did you want to know about my physical activity, curiosity or something else? Why did it end with ow?

H: Once we move, that’s it, no f/b friends etc. We were trying to be the person we thought the other wanted and got into an unhappy place, no communication and the physical fizzled out. I wanted to know about you to see how I felt, I am worried it would be an issue for me, it is double standards, especially given who I have been.

Me: your funny. How do you think you would have felt had I said yes? Somehow I think if we can get through this we will be indestructible.

H: I think you may be right. Catch up again tomorrow xx

I don't know how to keep going forwards, I feel like I want to run, that I can't do this. I want so much to support him, especially as he now seems to recognise that he has problems and is getting help for them. I see him being concerned for me and that I should protect myself, but I am not sure how this is possible, I am either in or out - in for the long haul or not. I really hate the limbo, the not knowing that after all this, even if I see this through to the end, that we still may not make it - that he may discover that we are not what he wants after all -