WAS or what (2)

[roist]

Great post from another thread.


Quote: it's amazing how someone can be so cruel. I know everyone here excuses it by blaming it on Affair Fog, but let's call it what it is. It's cruelty. She knows exactly what she's doing, and she's willfully and intentionally doing it. This is why I'm ready to file.

WRONG. Unless your spouse is a serial cheater she ended up inan affair after a long time (probably years, maybe months) of feeling like she didn't matter to you. When she asked you to do things and you didn't do it, it told her that it didn't matter to you what was important to her. After having an A myself, I can tell you that the 'affair fog' is very real. I wanted my M to work but for years my H did nothing to improve our M or to help me. I was so lonely and Idid not want a divorce and the A 'just happened'. Iknow if you haven't had one you can't believe that is true but it is. It was someone I had known for years and was friendly with and suddenly I was attracted to him. Iwent home and told my H that Ineeded to know how he felt about me and he said "I don't feel like talking about it" and left. The next time I saw OM I initiated the A because I was tired of being lonely. At no point did I want my M to end. People say "if you are going to have an affair just leave" but many people don't want their M to end, they just need to feel loved again. After years of feeling lonely and unloved you are completely wrong if you think it is going to be easy for her to just give that up when she knows what it has been like for her to be in a M with someone who has ignored what she needs the most. She isn't trying to be cruel, she is trying to figure out if she can trust the new you enough to give up her 'chance at happiness'.

Quote: Perhaps the EA/PA is the deal breaker, and if that's the case we'll all have your back on this decision. Having said that, I'm all for letting the dust settle before making a final decision, especially if you have other things going on for the next few weeks.

Maybe it is adeal breaker for you, only you know that. However, as the one who had the A, it always ticks me off that people think having an A is worse than years of treating someone indifferently, not being your best you with your spouse, failing to try, whatever it is she went through that made her think havingan A was a good choice. I am not defending her decision to have an A, I wish Icould do it over and make adifferent choice, but the person who made that decision was alonely, empty shell of the person I really am. We go into M thinking the other person will meet all of our needs. This is completely unrealistic but we don't realize it and when we feel ignored and uncared for we make stupid, hurtful choices. I was unable to even think about what it did to my H at the time, Icould only feel how happy I was to be happy again.

Quote: W and I had a slightly deep R talk today. Of course, most of it centered on everything I do wrong, with no acceptance of responsibility on her part for the A. Sigh.

My H and I went through the same thing. Iwould explain to him everything he did wrongand he felt Iwas blaming him for my A. I realize now that it would sound that way to someone but at the time Ireally just wanted him to understand WHY I did what I did. She is responsible for the choice to act on her attraction, you are responsible for doing whatever you did for so long that she thought you didn't care. (sorry, Iread your last thread but not your first..I have limited time!)

Quote: I don't understand why she is so nice to me, invites me to do things, and then at the same time is keeping om around and is so short with me when I text her about things involving D2.

She's definitely confused...I just wish I could handle it better.

See, you do know, she is very confused. She may very well want the M but be afraid to trust your changes are real. I know I was. I was infuriated that my H was suddenly doing things I had asked him to do for years now that I was finally happy again. Ithought "how dare he"!

Another thing...when we were trying to reconcile, it ticked me off that everything focused on the fact that I had an A and not on all of the years leading up to it. The A is not the problem here..remember that

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