hold on! - 11

[u-turn]

Thanks V - Oh I don't know why I am thinking of that - I guess it is one of my deep fears. Not that I really focus on it, I just think of it now and then. I will cross that bridge when I come to it - It is not affecting my decisions.

I do have some loose plans of doing some things with S21 - he is usually willing. I believe he has no hard feelings with me and I can re-build with him. I know he is an adult, but I do worry about him and I believe he would consider moving in with me when I am on my own. I think it will help him get through some of his rough times until he joins the military.

I have read a lot about the spew that flies against the LBS and have skirted by that in the first year since BD - it really hasn't been too bad. But it is really ramping up lately - but I don't find it affecting me too much. If it was like this in the beginning, I'm not too sure how I would have reacted. Now, sometimes it is almost humorous at times how juvenile she sounds - (though sometimes I wonder if I should actually listen to her so I have an insight to what she sees in me - for self improvement).

Hi Bob - thanks for stopping in - I always enjoy it. I don't let it affect me too much. I just wish D15 didn't hear it. I don't know if she does, and don't want to ask her.

It slightly concerns me that I am not affected by her words anymore - I should care what she thinks. But I guess I've gotten to that point we all talk about here.

Hey there Jelly - That's really nice of you to say that you are feeling that way - it's strange to hear that my W's actions are affecting you on the other side of the world (that's true support to me - thank you!)

Well, I am a little embarrassed to say that I am sitting with the D paperwork half filled out - I keep finding other things to do.

for instance - here's how today went.
-work for 3 hours
-pull out the paper work - see where I left off.
-took d15 to friends house
-boy is that car dirty - wash car.
-come back in - look at paperwork - make a sandwich
-go for a ride
-come back work for 3 hours
-kids will be home in a while - better start dinner - oh look, I don't have any food here - go to the store.
-put paperwork back in the folder and stash it away for another day (so W doesn't see it).

I have payed the lawyer to do nothing so far - what a deal.

I am still making small repairs on the house (window repairs, some painting) so I am not so overwhelmed if the house has to sell - I have held off on major projects due to $$.

I wish there was some reprieve for all of us - that seems as if it is only going to be achieved by my actions. Otherwise it is going to remain as this spiral crap tornado.

My wish is that we could just separate physically and let the divorce sit for a while, but I don't know if that will work (unless I move, and I don't want to leave the kids). I wish she would just go as I have asked her to (though that is probably selfish of me.)

Thank you for your compliments and reassurance, I don't feel like much of a catch (mostly because of my introverted nature), but I do know that I can be trusted and faithful.

I had IC tonight and we did speak of this a little. I told her that I think that I would have been in terrible shape if I would have D immediately, (like some of the advice I was reading elsewhere). I have learned and grown so much. She had me list some of the things (she seems to be surprised that I can articulate them).

But anyway, thank you for sticking with me - I always love to read these comments.