"he wants to come and go with my permission. If he can't he wants to stay in misery"

And it doesn't sound as though you want to give him 'permission' to come and go (which is fair enough btw.

Given that it seems reasonable to say to him - H, I truly don't want you to be miserable and I understand what you are asking. For me, it wouldn't work to have you partly living here and partly in your own place. It sounds as though you want freedom, and also to have us here for you when you want us. I have to tell you that if you choose to move out, I won't be putting my life on hold, cooking you dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays and doing your laundry. That doesn't work for me.

Well, maybe this is a bit OTT, but you get my drift. I think the thing with MLCers is their perception of what is OK is off kilter. And they are quite willing to traipse over hill and dale with you trotting behind - unless you hold firm on your own values and what is important for your comfort and wellbeing.

Have you done any reading on controlled separations BTW? I can't recall if MWD mentions this option in DB or DR - where a couple agrees to S for a period of time and review things. And they may agree to - say - go out for dinner once a fortnight and see how things go. I wonder if that might be an option to consider if he truly wants to go?

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus