It is just so "bleh". When love turns to hate is a hard thing to experience.
My heart tells me one thing and yet when I look at the facts, it is a gut bomb. I have read that is not uncommon for the emotional reality not to match the physical reality. That is EXACTLY how I feel.
I was used, set up, manipulated, lied to, led astry, and still feel like she tries to run over me. I do my best to not react or allow myself to be baited, but sometimes, I fail and I do react from emotion. I am still learning.
I am still hurt and upset - yes. Will I always be? I don't know. It's just very very sad when someone does this. Will I forgive her? Yes, she is human and all humans make mistakes, including me. Will I move on? Yes, that is my right. Do I know how long this will take? No, and there is no right or wrong way to experience the healing process, I will know when I get there.
All I know now is one day at a time. I don't have a crystal ball, can't predict the future but I do know that I have integrity and values and worth independent of her and my situation.
It feels like I have boxed it up and no it's not the focus of my being, just a part that I have put away high up on a shelf. Maybe one day I will take the box off the shelf and open it up. But for now, it will sit there, with the lid on tight.
