You will hear over and over on here that the work we do here is for us. So we can become a better person, more attractive to our spouses, regain our confidence and work on the things that was damaging in our marriages. I came here to try and save my marriage. After doing the work and after some time has gone by and things in my situation changed, I do not want to save my marriage. I don't want the marriage that I had. This means several things. If my STBXW fixed things on her end and went to counseling and admitted and apologized for the hurt he has done, I would think about a NEW marriage with her. Or some day, I will meet some one new and I will have learned from my mistakes in this marriage.
Another thing I believe is by doing the work here and becoming a better person, more confident, more detached, learning to validate than if our S does want to work on the marriage, we are better able to handle it. Honestly, if any of our spouses came back to us after a month or two of being separated, how would we handle it. How would we be able to handle the infidelity, lying and betrayal. And the hurt. It would make the situation 10 time harder. Doing the work here has put me in a better place so I feel confident that if my STBXW came back one day and wanted to work on the marriage, I could handle it better. BUT honestly I would have to think REALLY hard and decide if I even want to be with her again. Maybe I deserve better!! Maybe I deserve someone that isn't going to tuck tail and run when the going gets tough!!
I see alot of new comers here asking about guarantees! I also wanted to know when I started here. There is one guarantee I will give you, do the work, post often, follow the steps people give you, listen to the vets, detach from your spouse and work on yourself and you will get through this one way or another. You will become a better partner and person. More confident and be able to handle these relationship issues better.
A comment my STBXW said to me one night when she was freaking out and I was calmly talking to her in a confident tone and validating her, " why didn't you change like this years ago?"
Me:44 EXW 44 Wonderful Children M11, T14 BD 6/14 OM Confirmed Divorce Final 2/25/16 "It works if you work it!"
