I am making needed changes in myself. Know H has noticed as he referenced it. H has said things are more positive now then they were. We are becoming friends, talking more and we have both said we miss the friendship.
H's actions differ from words. Actions show he is acting "as if." He initiates contact sometimes. We now do things as a family all weekend. H asked me to go out alone for day recently and we did. Despite words to the contrary he seems to be romancing me at times (spoon feeds me, gets the car if it's raining, planned vacation around my birthday and says he wants me to have a good time). He has booked us a room separate from the kids. Maybe he will get his own room once we arrive. Who knows why he does these things. It's the MLC funhouse.
But his words say he still wants apt. but for different reasons. Still seeks permission for apartment. At BD H wanted apartment to find himself, have friends over and have women over who looked at him "meaningfully." He would stay at apt. during the day, return when kids came home from school, go to apt. on Saturday nights and return before they woke up. Wanted permission for this. I said no to phony baloney pretend life routine (was more diplomatic when talking to him, but made this point).
8 mos. later H wants apt. Again. This time H is worrying what kind of M we're patterning for kids. (Wasn't so worried about patterning when he ran all around at all hours like a teenager.). Thinks we should separate, used the word. He would go to apartment for a few days and stay with us for a few days. Said several times he really hopes I will let him stay with us a few nights a week. He says he no longer needs time and space. He says he has put himself back together and is comfortable in his skin again. He needs apt. "to live life." So sad he does not see the life in front of him.
Through journaling, I realize his actions show progress but his words show regression.
One last thing, when I said "what if I get the apt. and I come back a few nights (just wanted to test his reaction). H was a bit uncomfortable but said yes. So really, this is a space issue from me. So weird that he was not flabbergasted that I recommend I move out on my kids! He is so lost. He is crazy if he thinks I would leave my kids!
I feel like he needs a dose of reality. I feel like he needs to go somewhere all by himself to see what he is really asking for. I just don't see how he is going to wake up when he fantasizes about this dream young adult life.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
