New here.

[little1]

Hello everyone. This is hard. I have spent the last few days just reading and trying to make since of everything. I will get started and tell you my story.

I am 44yo, H is 46, 3 DD's 22, 18, and 15yo and a DS 2.5 yrs old. Married 21 years-before he left. First bomb drop was in Feb 2014. Second was July 19, 2014. Left July 20, 2014. Moved right in with the OW. From everything I have read this is a MLC. So as you can see I just hit the 1 year mark of him leaving. I think this all started when we got pregnant with our DS. I did not do well with pregnancies. And then when our DS was born, he was born very sick.

Their relationship started as an EA in Jan. 2014, became a PA in March 2014. Only because he was a truck driver. She was my friend and former co-worker. Background on her. Year younger than me, has 3 adult children and grandchildren, and married and divorced 2x.

When he first left EVERYTHING, communication, talking and seeing the kids, everything was a hit and miss. I read every article, book, anything I could get my hands on. Trying to figure out what this was and what was happening. He saw the kids maybe once a month. If that often. When he first left he wanted a divorce. Then it went to LS. Now there is no discussion. I did not talk relationship, keep conversations light, everything. A few months ago he started talking about coming home. He even started reconnecting (at least attempting to) with the children. Then I pushed. Way too hard. And it sent him running backwards. I made the huge mistake of letting my guard down. And now we are at square one.

So I started reading again and implementing things I have read. I have one boundry in place. (I am sure I need more but one is good). Our son is NOT to be around the OW. I am sticking with that. I have several reasons for that.

I have no one to talk to regarding all of this. My 2 younger daughters, though are very angry with their father, are supporting me, whereas my oldest daughter and parents are angry, want me to file for divorce, and don't support me. None of my friends have been through this so I have no one. So I have my journal that I write in daily. I am going to the doctor at the end of the month to get my meds redone and going again.

As you can see I tend to ramble or say things that will probably upset someone. I was on another forum and spent most of my time being yelled at and told what I was doing wrong. I will be hit and miss here for a bit because I do not have internet at home yet. Hopefully by next week I will.

I have a thousand questions. Some cant be answered, some are who cares about that, and some I have been able to find looking through topics.

I do not want a divorce and he knows it.
I do not ask questions except how was work type.
I do not text or call or email first. Since day one all communication is began by him.
I do not discuss the children unless he asks. For some reason I have it in my head if he cared he would be home with them.
I do things that interest me. My hobbies. Things I stopped doing because I had a family to take care of.
I do not tell him I love him. Well to him anyways.

I am sure there is more I can be doing. IF this is a MLC I know its a long bumpy road. There have been times I have gotten seasick along the way. But I am in this for the long run.

How do you get through something when you don't understand what happened or why?