Walk away wife and my journey

[ATPeace]

25yearsmlc thank you once again for taking the time to help me everything you have said is being taken on board everything you have said so far has beenm. Spot on with regard to my M

It is almost like you have been watching what has been going on with my M

So just to clarify

Give her space
Stop persuing her (totally)

What about doing things together if she suggests to watch Tv or spending time together with the children

First off, you're going to HAVE to decline SOME of these invitations b/c you are busy GAL (and you need to be genuinely busy. 2-4 nights a month is NOT unreasonable, especially if' you're more "present" when you are around) and spend those nights NOT with the kids but with your new peeps.

I meant it when I said to join, study explore or visit or coach or volunteer somewhere THIS MONTH...for real.

GAL asap.

So that when she asks you, you can accept some of the invites but not all b/c you are busy meeting new interesting people and going to cool new places doing fascinating fun activities!


But when you do accept the invites, you are FULLY present and totally positive and upbeat. fake it til you make it or become it (did you watch the youtube video I suggested? It's not long and it might be life changing). I HAVE WATCHED THE FIRST ONE BUT CANNOT FIND THE SECOND positive thinking psychology Shawn Achor




Are you saying I should not suggest watching Tv together we used to watch box sets and have loads lined up to watch


I don't think YOU should invite her or suggest any "family together" activities unless your kids ask you to ask her --- that is pursuit. Why don't you believe that?
I DO BELIEVE WHAT YOU ARE SAYING I WAS JUST AFTER CLARIFICATION SO IS THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN "FAMILY TOGETHER ACTIVITIES" SUGESTED BY HER AND THOSE SUEPGESTED BY ME

I UNDERSTAND THAT "HER AND ME TOGETHER ACTIVITIES" SHOULD STOP ....I UNDERSTAND THAT I SHOULD NOT BE THE PERSON TO SUGEST GOING OUT TOGETHER JUST THE TWO OF US .....AND IF SHE WAS TO SUGEST GOING OUT JUST THE TWO OF US THEN I UNDERSTAND THAT I SHOULD NOT ALWAYS BE AVAILABLE FOR THIS ....I REALISE I MUST STOP PERSUEING HER

WE HAVE THE SCHOOL HOLIDAYS UPON US 6 WEEKS AND I THOUGHT THAT AS WE DID NOT HAVE A HOLIDAY BOOKED THAT IT WOULD BE NICE TO DO DAY TRIPS ARROUND ENGLAND TO VISIT PLACES THAT WE HAVE NOT BEEN TO BEFORE WE TALKED ABOUT DOING THIS LAST YEAR AND BECAUSE OF MY WORKING IT NEVER REALLY HAPPEND


I GUESS WHAT I AM THKING IS THAT IF I WAS TO SUGGEST WATCHING SOME OF THE TV BOXSETS THAT WE USED TO WATCH ....AND WE DID LIKE TO WATCH THESE THINGS TOGETHER AND SHE WAS UP FOR DOING THIS THEN GREAT BUT IF I ASKED AND SHE SAID NO THEN I WOULD NOT BUST MY BUTT OR HAVE ANY CONCERNS I WOULD JUST WATCH SOMETHING ELSE THAT I HAVE LINED UP TO WATCH INSTED

NO, I'm NOT saying to decline every invite. But to make the invite, is another thing.

And as far as you Not declining, some will argue that you should decline EVERY invite but I wonder, What purpose is there in that? To punish her? Well that might achieve that goal - but it will NOT further your over all goal of reconciling and restoring your m. AND I WOULD AGREE WITH THIS

But please, do not lap up the invite like she is doing you a favor. THINK about whether you can make it that night or day, due to your need to check your calendar, and Accept it IF you can -Check the schedule FIRST "just to be sure you are free that night") and then make it a good night.

IF by chance she gets weird or negative, pay NO attention to that b/c your focus is on your kids and making sure THEY have a good memory. Build these memories b/c yes, they might be rarer soon

and also b/c you are giving your w something to miss.


If she gets totally wacky and disrespectful, you leave the room. I doubt that will happen but it might later on. Like when she sees you sticking up for yourself more.

being there for the kids is naturally good idea


Agreed. Always put them first. IF there's a big thing coming up that is important to THEM and they all invite you, do your best to get there. Put them first.

As long as they are your priority it's hard to see you going wrong.



Not backing off totally

What about doing things for her ...yesterday I cleaned her car


Good question. My gut says that's a bit much. If you had made it dirty or if she'd done something above and beyond for the kids and THEY made it dirty

but otherwise, it comes off to me as pursuit. See what others (Sandi??) think
WHEN SHE SAW I WAS CLEANING HER CAR SHE SAID YOU DID NOT HAVE TO DO THAT I WOULD HAVE DONE IT AND MY RESPONCE WAS ITS NOT A BIG DEAL I HAD THE CAR CLEANING THINGS OUT I HAD JUST DONE MY CAR AND THOUGHT WELL I USED TO ALWAYS WASH THE CARS SO I WASHED IT AND BESIDE IT WQS A LITTLE DIRTY FROM MY DEVON TRIP

Part of me doing more arround the house is me doing the ironing ...I should keep doing her cloaths ?

Does she work outside the home? I'd probably do some of her work clothes then, if it's seen as a "joint communal" thing,

but if you two have always done them separately do not take on MORE of "her" stuff, at least not yet. Some of this you will not get right, and neither did we.

WE HAVE ALWAYS WASHED OUR CLOTHS TOGETHER AND SHE USED TO DO THE IRONING ,,,,ONE OF HER UPSETS WHILST M WAS THAT I DID NOT DO MY FAIR SHARE ARROUND THE HOUSE AND THIS IS TOTALLY TRUE DURING ONE OF MY CONVERSATIONS WITH HE SINCE THE S I ASKED HER WHAT CHORES SHE DID NOT LIKE TO DO AND ONE WAS IRONING AND THE OTHER WAS TO UNLOAD THE DISHWASHER SO I TOLD HER THAT I WOULD DO THOSE THINGS AS PART OF ME DOING MY SHARE AND I RALISE THAT I ACTUALLY DO NIT MIND DOING THESE CHORES.

But it does get easier to figure out, if you have a few over all goals in mind.

"Is this helping our marriage or hurting it?" "How will this behavior be viewed by her---- AND YET you must balance that consideration

against the very real and powerful image of you doing what you believe is right, regardless of her feelings.

So if it's a moral quandary, do what you think is right which will usually be the harder of the choices,

but if it's small stuff, don't sweat it too much. IF/When she revises the marital history, own your part but not hers.

You can always say my favorite mantra, "W, I'm sorry that hurt you. if I had it to do all over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently.". I LIKE THIS

This^^ shows the willingness to change and owning your part, and your remorse for hurting her, without making you into a doormat.

Make sense?
.



Many thanks

gary