When RD sees a great moment with a spouse, he says it is a star. Breaking the dark night sky. Eventually we hope to fill the dark night with stars. A star moment.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
So now I feel like chit. God.... Little things trip me up
Please don't beat yourself up too much....
We all are here to offer you support and feedback on a better approach. For sure, I've messed up some things with Ms. Wonka. Yeah...ME. Yep...you got that right.
It just is not the same - it will never be the same I have realized. I am not the same person and she is not the same person, yet we have these two little people who are depending upon us. We just can't communicate. It is broken and no matter how much we try, we just can't break down the wall. We used to be able to finish each others sentances, now we can't even talk. We are so out of sync that I could say Black and she would hear White and vice versa. She talks about things I have no idea what she means. She sent me an email earlier and at the end it said <EOM>, I asked what does that mean? She replied end of message. Who ends email messages like that? Did she join the navy suddenly?
You are right, I am still very upset by her behaviors and the OW and leaving me and killing our family. All of this is BEYOND MY CONTROL and I hate it and hate her for doing this.
Did you guys know she told me about the OW on my most special day - our anniverssary. Yeah, the most sacred day of my life and she picks that day to really stick it to me. She also knew that the following week I would be out of town all week on a business trip. She helped me pack and talked it up and how important it was to make this meeting, and what a good career move it was for me and us. It was a set up. She wanted me out of town to cary out her plan with the OW. All of it was timed for maximum damage to our marriage, family and to me personally. With me being 2,000 miles away, she knew there was nothing I could do about any of it.
BLECH - thanks for letting me vent. On to other news, I have a date tonight, a real date with someone who really likes me. Just to have the chance to go out with a friend and talk is helpful. I won't talk abut any of these issues.
Not a parent here - but wanted to pop out of the wood work on this discussion. You both live close together, right? Could talk agree to both have them on the holidays (providing that you don't travel)?
Coming from my own personal experience: my parents lived a seven hour drive apart. When I was younger age 1-3ish, my mom sucked it up and took me to my father's parents house, and spent time with them. Age 4-6 they swapped Christmases, and then from 6 on, they split it as: thanksgiving with my mom and her family. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my mom. Day after Christmas - New Year's Day with my dad and his parents.
Several of my friends with divorced parents do something similar, especially if parents live close together. Thanksgiving: lunch/dinner with one parent, desert with another. Christmas Eve with one parent, Cheistmas Day with another. Perhaps tall could Compromise and say, on odd years, heavy would get the kids on Christmas Eve night and Christmas morning, WW could get them Christmas afternoon and day after?
You've been doing great Heavy - don't let this get you down.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
BLECH - thanks for letting me vent. On to other news, I have a date tonight, a real date with someone who really likes me. Just to have the chance to go out with a friend and talk is helpful. I won't talk abut any of these issues.
Hello Heavy,
Enjoy yourself!
*Hugs*
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
So sorry to hear what you are feeling but completly understand. I dont know who my wife is anymore either. Not many of us do once they go WW. Hang in there and make yourself a man only a fool would leave.
Me: 30's W: 30's M: 12yrs EA: Started 3/2015 MC Started: 4/2015 She moved out and served 6/2015 PA: Confirmed 10/5/2015 2 young kids
"If you do not stand for something you will fall for anything."
Thanks all - I'm doing pretty good with life, GAL, PMA and then out of no where WHAMMO.
So, yes, a setback. I will not let myself get roped into those ineffective conversations again. I will remind myself to STFU (never goes out of style) and try and be empathetic.
I just feel walked over and trampled. She must feel the same way. One step forward and two steps back.
It's like as long as she is with the AP, I can't relate to her, talk to her or anything. I am cut off and out.
So.....I continue to do my own thing. Had a great dinner with a friend tonight. A new restaurant. I am crushing it at work and am ready for a good weekend. I have a lot of projects lined up. A friend wants to take me to lunch this week and another friend called me up out of the blue and wants to have lunch. Maybe the word is out that I am single.
Whatever it is, I will not squander opportunities to enjoy myself and make myself a more well rounded person.
Went to supper with my new friend - had a great time at a new restaurant too which broadened my horizon as part of my "me" life. Going to the same old restaurants was depressing as you can imagine.
Went to IC counselor and moved it to ever other week. I am feeling a lot better and don't want to meet every week. She agreed.
She also agreed that we should split kids on holiday's, she said that sounded reasonable and lot of her divorced families do it that way. So I don't feel like a complete jerk.
She said I look better, sound better and have a more focused outlook. It was nice to hear it validated by an outside party but you know what, I already knew that.
I AM better, more composed, happier I dare say it just doing my thing and chortling along. I am still working on being more and more detached and trying to not care about what her reactions are to what I may be doing. I am doing what is best for me and what is best for my kids. Period.
Just today, I had a long phone conversation with Ms. Wonka because I wanted to confer with her on a particular matter that she's a noted expert nationally.
It was the FIRST time ever since she left that we talked like two colleagues....it flowed naturally. We even laughed hard at one point when a joke came up about one of her particular weaknesses.
All of that ^^ was made possible with time and space that healed wounds. I didn't feel tension nor did Ms. Wonka. Will we ever be friends? That is the million-dollar question.
My point is that it DOES get better with the passage of time.
I was in a painful place for almost 5 years post Ms. Wonka.
Some people move and process at different paces. There's no 'right' or 'wrong' about this healing process.
